Not American McGee's Alice
by nikkilittle
Summary: The unauthorized sex parody of American McGee's Alice. Pure crack.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: "The Merry Hamsters of the Village of Doom"

I knew I shouldn't have smoked those funny-looking hand-rolled smokes I stole from the administrator's office. I fell asleep in my room with the door left open. What a mistake! I woke up with one of the superintendant's nephews on top of me pulling my clothes off. Bloody fat disgusting bloke. I kicked him off, but he seemed to have lost interest having seen me in just underclothes.

"Good Lord! Bitch, do you ever eat? You'd be quite a dish if you had any meat on you anywhere, but who wants to bag a sack of bones?"

Off he tromped. Good! Those smokes had made me woozy in the head, and I fell asleep again only to find myself hurtling down a familiar vertical tunnel. The landing sure wasn't the same, though.

A condom dump. All unused and still in the original packaging. Hallelujah! I'd hit the jackpot. Finally a way to have sex without having to worry about ending up prego. I realized that I might not end up a twenty-year-old virgin after all.

No cat to greet me. I stuffed my apron pockets full of condoms and went in search of anyone in the Gnome Village that I knew to be just down the road. Not a gnome in sight. I wandered past the Gnome Village Mayor's office and marveled at how empty the place was. Out the doorway opposite the mushroom shop two card guards came charging at me shouting, "Search her for contraband!"

Contraband? What? I didn't hang around for the card guards to catch me and ran back toward the chasm with a creekbed full of green, nasty, slimy water flowing through it. There was an air geyser in the center of the creekbed with enough lift to let me float over on my wire-rod fitted dress. I jumped and the two idiot card guards jumped also thinking they would float just like me. Straight down into the slime they went. I sure enjoyed taunting them from the bank while they dissolved.

"Awwww! Guardies fall down?"

It occurred to me that these Card Guards didn't look quite the same as the ones that I had seen on my previous sojourn in Wonderland. These Card Guards did not look like playing cards at all. They were more three-dimensional. If anything, they looked more like old-fashioned cloth or burlap dolls stuffed with sawdust. I conjectured that they might make amusing target practice for my croquet mallet. I wondered just how far one might fly if I hit him just right with the mallet.

Cheshire finally showed up. "Careful, Alice! You're carrying contraband. All those condoms you stuffed in your pockets are illegal. That dump you landed in is for all sex-related objects. The Red Queen and her stooge the Queen of Hearts have outlawed sex in Wonderland. Get caught having fun and lose your head. Get caught with condoms and lose your head. Get caught with a dildo and lose your head. Get caught with one of those new-fangled vibrators and lose your head. Get caught enjoying your own equipment and lose your hands. Are you getting the picture? Sex is forbidden in Wonderland. Even playing with yourself is forbidden. When you consider that there's not much else to do around here, those two Queens have pretty much outlawed fun in Wonderland."

"Is there anything around here that I can use to defend myself angainst these cretins?"

Cheshire looked thoughtful for a moment. "The Gnome Elder had a cage full of pet hamsters that he carried everywhere with him in case Card Guards showed up."

"And just what good is a cage full of hamsters going to do me if Card Guards show up?"

"You have to see what they do to realize that a cage full of hamsters can be your best friends in Wonderland. Let's go find them. The Gnome Elder probably left his pets behind when he saw a full squad of Card Guards coming down the road toward his house. Nobody's seen him for days."

"Well, then, let's go feed his pets. They're probably hungry and thirsty by now."

Cheshire led me to the Gnome Elder's little house and had me crawl in the front door.

"Good thing you're such a stick. If your hips had even the slightest bit of width to them, you'd never make it inside a gnome house."

"Thanks for reminding me that I have no shape, Cat. Rub it in. You're no glamour puss yourself."

The Gnome Elder's pet hamsters were in a standard-sized cage, but there were five of them packed in there. There was no door. Four of them were asleep. One was staring at me.

"Wake up guys! Someone's come to get us!"

Holy fuck. Talking hamsters.

I looked straight into the doorless cage. "You guys hungry or thirsty?"

"We've been getting our own, but thanks for asking. Haven't had any Card Guard lately, though."

"You guys eat Card Guards?"

"Well, not exactly eat..."

"Never mind. Want to come along with Cheshire and me?" I suddenly remembered that cats might like the taste of hamster. I smacked my hand against my forehead.

The hamsters knew what I was thinking. "Don't worry!" said the one that was awake. "Cheshire's an old pal of ours. He knows better than to think of eating one of us. I don't think anything in Wonderland wants to eat one of us!"

I had no idea why these hamsters were special, but I was about to find out.

Cheshire burst into the room. "Alice, Card Guards coming down the roadway! Five of them!"

I grabbed the cage and knelt down to exit the door and run.

"Forget running, Alice!" said Cheshire. "With these guys we don't have to run!" Cheshire looked me straight in the eye and said in the most dramatic tone he could muster, "RELEASE THE HAMSTERS!"

"What?" I stammered.

Cheshire grabbed the cage and kicked the gnome house's front door open. "Do your thing, guys!" he whispered.

The one hamster that was awake poked all of his buddies and shouted, "Fresh meat, guys! Let's go!"

The hamsters leapt out of the cage and bounded down the road toward the startled Card Guards like a pack of starving wolves. I had never seen anything like it.

"HAMSTERS!" screamed a Card Guard. "RUN YOU FOOLS!"

The five hamsters bounding down the road quickly caught up with the Card Guards. Oh, it was a horrible sight. Card Guards screaming. Hamsters leaping. Card Guards knocked down. Hamsters flipping the Card Guards on their backs. Hamsters swan diving...

The hamsters dived into the Card Guards' assholes and squirmed their way up through the Card Guards' digestive systems. The Card Guards writhed on the ground and howled like the two idiot Card Guards who dropped into the slime in the creekbed. In a moment it was all over. Our five heroic hamsters crawled out of the Card Guards mouths and fluffed themselves like birds who had just had a refreshing bath.

"YEAH, BABY! THAT WAS GOOD GUARD!" shouted one hamster. The hamsters came bounding back and bounced back into the cage. One hung up a sign.

"DO NOT DISTURB"

"That never gets old," said Cheshire with his classic grin.

I looked at Cheshire. "That is the coolest thing I've seen since Gryphon ripped one of the Jabberwock's eyeballs out!" It truly was. Sure beat the hell out of Demon Dice.

End of Chapter 1

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights. And your computer if you install any of their crap.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: "The Two Queens"

"So how did the two Queens come back?" I asked Cheshire as we trudged along toward the village of Pandemonium where he said some gnomes were hiding out in the abandoned Yur Mine.

"Do you remember that the Queen of Hearts you fought was only a sock puppet controlled by the Red Queen?"

"Yes, I remember."

"The Queen of Hearts was supposed to be you. You were supposed to be the public face of the Red Queen's tyranny, but you were most uncooperative. Always the unruly child you were."

"I was supposed to be the Queen of Hearts?"

"Yup, you don't even remember what happened, do you?"

"Nope."

"I was there when it all happened. The Red Queen was about to ram a tentacle with all sorts of nasty-looking black threads up your back. The black threads were to fuse with your spine and go all the way to the brain. You took one look at those black threads and jumped off into the black void. You had no weapons of any kind. I remember what you said to the Red Queen."

"I don't. What was it?"

"You said 'I'd rather die.' You didn't die. Instead you came hurtling down the rabbit hole, screaming all the way. I'm sure you remember that I was there to greet you. I already knew that you would fight. You were never one to accept being bullied passively."

"So where did this new Queen of Hearts come from?"

"You never saw the actual Queen of Hearts the last time through. She was a card, remember? The Red Queen had all of the card royalty locked up in her dungeon. This new Queen of Hearts is the card. She commands all of the Heart Guards. The other three card suit royalty command Card Guards of their respective suits. They all pretty much defer to the Queen of Hearts and let her do what she wants. The King of Hearts is henpecked and is considered a possible future turncoat. A possible future ally. He is long known for pardoning all of the Queen of Hearts' arrests."

"Now for the Red Queen."

Cheshire rolled his eyes. "You're not going to like this."

"I'm sure I won't. Out with it."

"The White Chess Pieces were asleep on the job. They let a Red Pawn sneak past them."

"A Red Pawn queened?"

"That's it."

"Oh fer fuck's sake!"

"Calm down, Alice. Let's not go charging off to Pale Realm to slaughter White Chess pieces. They're your allies, remember?"

We arrived in Pandemonium. Cheshire led me into the abandoned Yur Mine and gave me an easy way to remember how we had come through the maze of abandoned tunnels.

"You always turn left to find the Gnomes."

Getting out was easy. Ignore the side routes and always go straight ahead. Cheshire had also drawn pictures of his grinning visage all along the exit route to assure me that I was going the correct way. I later discovered that he had left such hints of the correct way to go all throughout Wonderland. All I had to do was look for Cheshire graffiti and that was the way to go.

In a large room with a high ceiling, we found the Gnomes gathered at wooden tables. The males all had a metal lock box on their genitals. They could urinate, but sex was out of the question. The Gnome women all had metal fabric chastity belts latched onto them. They complained that the chastity belts hadn't been changed since they had been put on. Everybody, both sexes, stank and had rashes because of the metal lockboxes and chastity belts.

"Chastity and happiness do not dwell in the same house," said one especially miserable-looking gnome male.

I began to fantasize about ripping the two queens' clits off and nailing them to the entrance of Yur Mine.

"You know where the key is, Cheshire?"

"In the Card Guards' compound in Wonderland Woods. They've moved."

"This isn't going to be easy, is it?"

"There's at least two dozen Card Guards of all suits in the compound."

"Let's go back to Gnome Village and scrounge for weapons," I said. "The first priority is finding the Vorpal Blade. I feel naked without it."

End of Chapter 2

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: "Let Us Now Praise Enormous Boobs"

Cheshire and I trudged back to Gnome Village with me carrying the hamster cage. Our five furry little heroes were fast asleep, the "DO NOT DISTURB" sign still displayed. Sleeping off their Card Guards, I guess.

"Should we put the hamsters back in the Gnome Elder's house, or take them with us and turn them loose in Wonderland Woods?" I asked Cheshire.

"Well, they were getting by in Gnome Village all on their own, and taking them to Wonderland Woods would probably be a permanent move for them. I think we'll just have to ask them. All things considered, I think they'd rather stay here. Gnome Village is home for them. There does seem to be enough food for them. All they need are seeds. Plenty of those here in Gnome Village."

"Where should we start looking for the Vorpal Blade?"

"A systematic search would probably be best. Let's start with the first house on the road approaching from the Rabbit Hole and go house-by-house. I'll take one side of the street, and you take the other."

I suspected that Cheshire would be a lot quicker in inspecting the little Gnome houses than me as he did not have to crawl on hands and knees like me. I put the hamster cage right in front of the little front door stoop of a house on the right and entered. Cheshire had already darted in and out of three houses on the left side of the road.

I crawled into the house and looked for the kitchen. Quaint. Everything was quaint. The inside was totally lacking in any modern gas appliances. The lights were simple candles down inside clear glass jars. The stove was was an old-fashioned wood-burning type. It looked to be cast iron. There was a pipe to channel the smoke outside. A few simple pots and pans hung on hooks. There was a drawer full of eating utensils and a few knives. That was it. No vorpal blade. Stored food consisted entirely of glass jars with vacuum-sealed lids. I exited the house and picked up the hamster cage. I did not need to enter a second Gnome house.

"I found it!" exclaimed an excited Cheshire. "Follow me!"

Cheshire led me into the seventh house on his side of the road. There in the kitchen my precious Vorpal Blade was being used as a chef's knife to dice up some long-spoiled bacon strips. There was nasty spoilt bacon grease all over my precious Blade. I looked around the kitchen for some dish towels and found some in a drawer under the counter. I wiped my Blade with the dish towel and tossed the towel onto the floor. I wet my knife in the sink and slid a bar of soap over both sides of the blade. A little rubbing, a little rinsing, another wipe with a clean dish towel from the drawer, and I was done. I tossed the second towel on the floor, and Cheshire chided me for being a slob.

I looked around the house for the hip holster for my vorpal blade and found it hanging on a hook in a closet. Cheshire grinned when he saw the holster. I wrapped it around my hip, hooked on the second-to-outermost hole which had been my usual place, and saw the holster slide straight down to my feet.

"Holy crap, Alice. I knew you'd gotten skinnier, but not like this." Cheshire stared in amazement at the holster on the floor.

I put the holster back around my waist and pulled the belt all the way to hook it on the innermost hole, and watched it slide down my hips again.

"Put the holster back on at your old, usual hole and hold it up."

I did, and Cheshire put a paw into the gap and pulled the belt out. He looked horrified at all the empty space. "Before we do anything else, we are going over to the Gnome Bar and look for something to eat. You are going to eat before we go fight any battles. I don't want you fainting from hunger."

Cheshire took the belt from me and grinned. Out came his claws and he methodically punched seven additional holes in the belt of the Vorpal Blade holster. He handed it to me and I strapped it on. I had once used the second-to-the-last hole on the belt. Now I needed the eleventh-to-the-last hole on the belt. The holes were all one inch apart.

Cheshire led me over to the Gnome Bar and disappeared into the chicken coop behind. "Sorry, ladies," I heard him say. "We need the eggs." Cheshire came out with a basket filled with about a dozen eggs hanging from his mouth.

"Wipe them down with a rag, first, Alice? I don't want to eat the shit on the outsides of the eggs."

I wiped down the eggs, gathered some firewood, and started a fire in the old cast-iron stove. Cheshire went off to forage for other weapons while I cooked. Cheshire returned looking triumphant just as I was dishing the eggs into two primitive tin plates.

"I found something that you might be able to use as a weapon, but first we eat."

Cheshire chomped his way through a half-dozen eggs as if he were starving, although I knew he wasn't starving any more than usual. It was just that eggs were something of a delicacy for him as he couldn't cook for himself. When I finished, Cheshire plunged back into the chicken coop and soon emerged with another dozen eggs.

"I'll eat a few this time, but you are going to eat the rest. There's also some goat jerky underneath the counter. I expect you to eat until you're so stuffed you can barely move."

"Do I look that bad?"

"You don't look nearly as good as you used to."

Cheshire finished off three of the eggs and burped. Nine eggs was a feast for him. He pointed out the goat jerky that he expected me to finish off after I had finished my eggs. Cheshire was insistent about wanting me to eat until I could barely move. I had to reposition my Blade holster to the ninth-to-the-last hole on the belt. Cheshire was constantly hounding me to eat, and I don't think I ever fastened the Vorpal Blade holster tighter than that ninth hole again.

After I finished washing and putting away the pan, utensils, plates, and forks, Cheshire led me down the road to his discovery of a possible weapon. Behind the Mushroom Shop nestled up against the rock wall was a small patch of distinctive-looking orange-colored mushrooms. "Notice that each mushroom stalk has what appear to be two heads: one darker orange, and one lighter orange." Cheshire had me pick one of the two-headed stalks. "I could explain what the mushrooms do, but it might be better to demonstrate. Before you eat half of the darker mushroom head, however, you need to take off your dress and your bra."

I gave Cheshire the nastiest stinkeye I could manage.

"Don't be bashful, you haven't got anything worth seeing, anyway!"

Oh, thanks, Cheshire. Rub it in. I'm a skinny, shapeless stick with a long, narrow face that looks like something in a funhouse mirror. I looked at Cheshire again.

"Are you serious?"

"I don't want you to rip your clothes."

"These won't make me fat or something will they?"

"If they did that, I would have you take off those granny panties, too. One-half of the dark orange mushroom head. No more. Down the hatch."

I hesitated. "I don't know what this will do to me."

"The lighter-colored orange mushroom head undoes what the darker one does. There's no risk. This will make a useful weapon. It will be like having several croquet mallets at once. Down the hatch."

I looked at the mushroom for a few moments and then bit off half of the dark-orange head. It had a pleasant meat broth taste. I chewed for a few moments, hesitated again as I looked at Cheshire, and swallowed.

I felt a bit light-headed and then felt a sudden, heavy pull on my chest. I looked down and both saw and felt that my breasts, my perfectly flat breasts, were filling up and outwards with a heavy, thick liquid. They both dropped down farther and farther on my chest and grew straight outwards until they reached nearly my waist and seemed to float nearly two feet out in front of me. Both nipples turned upward. I had to lean backward to avoid toppling over. My breasts slowly and rythmically wobbled from side to side. If they had been on some other woman, I might have thought that they were the most perfect, sensuous, and sexy looking breasts I had ever seen. I am absolutely certain that I would have been jealous. They were on my chest, however, and the pull was staggering. I could barely stand up. Still part of me was tickled. If there was one thing that attracted men in England, it was big, prominent, perky breasts. These were huge, and yet somehow did not droop.

"Wobble them from side-to-side, Alice, and imagine whopping a card guard with them. Now imagine them twice as big. Twice as big, but still not drooping to the ground, is what you would get if you had swallowed a whole mushroom. Your breasts would hit a Card Guard like a pair of boulders. If you twirled like an ice skater, you could clean an entire compound out of Card Guards before they knew what hit them."

I tried jerking my shoulders and my breasts swung in that direction. They would have knocked over anything in their path.

"Are there any mirrors anywhere?"

"Most Gnome houses have a full-length mirror inside the master bedroom door."

I crawled inside a Gnome house with my breasts squashed against the ground, and crawled inside a bedroom and closed the door to look in the mirror. My breasts were the most magnificent pair I had ever seen, but my shoulders and back ached. I crawled back out and tried walking back and forth. My breasts wobbled constantly. It didn't take me long to conclude that breasts of this size were not a blessing at all to be envied, but rather a curse that interfered sharply with physical mobility. Maybe in the world above, if I were a free woman in London, I thought that they might be worth the trouble, but down here in a war zone? No way. I looked in my hand and bit off half on the lighter-colored mushroom. Both of my breasts deflated like punctured water balloons. In a moment, I had my perfectly flat chest back. I was relieved.

"Now you know why I consider them a weapon only."

"Yes, indeed. The mushrooms could be very useful if I got surrounded by Card Guards. I sure wouldn't want to use them in any other situation, however."

Cheshire handed me a small metal box containing four of the double-headed stalks. "They only last a couple of days after they're picked," said Cheshire. "Four of the mushrooms should be quite sufficient. I doubt if you'll have to use them more than once.

I went back to pick up the hamster cage. They were all awake. "You guys want to go with us to Wonderland Woods? We could drop you off in the Woods before we leave. Or you could just stay here in the Gnome Village and hope for the best."

The hamsters chattered among themselves for a bit and stated that they prefered to stay in Gnome Village. They knew their way around here and knew where to find food and water. That was enough for them. I carried them back to their original place in the Gnome Elder's little house. Cheshire and I said our good-byes to our furry little friends, and then we started off on the long walk to Wonderland Wooods and the Card Guard compound that had the key to the Gnome lockboxes and chastity belts.

End of Chapter 3

This story is based on the characters created by American Mcgee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: "Pinafores and Jackbombs"

"Before we leave Gnome Village, Alice, let's have a look inside the seamstress' house. She may have some of your old dresses still lying around. If we're really lucky, maybe one of your old dresses may have one or two of your old weapons still in the sealed pockets."

I trudged along behind Cheshire, and in a minute, we were there. I got down on hands and knees and crawled in the front door. I don't think that any of the Gnome Houses had locks on the front doors. Bathrooms and bedrooms usually did have a latch, though. Inside the seamstress' work room, I saw three of my old dresses hanging on a single hook. I rapidly ran through the pockets and found two of my old weapons: my jackbomb and my jacks. No eyestaff. That was a disappointment, but not a surprise. I suspected the Gnomes had it somewhere in Wonderland for self-defense. Cheshire suggested that I trade my current blouse and skirt for one of my old dark blue pinafores.

I looked at my old pinafores and felt a chill of recognition. The old uniform of the Warrior Princess of Wonderland, as I was seen. I felt that I could never measure up to my old reputation. When I put on one of the pinafore dresses, I also realized that I did not even come close to measuring up to my old measurements. The pinafore was so large on me that I seemed to be swimming in it. I pulled on all the old material in shock at all the extra space.

"Cheshire, was I fat?"

Cheshire rolled over on his back laughing. "No! You weren't fat! You just weren't the pitifully scrawny stick that I now see before me. You had muscles on your arms and legs. You had a very cute babyface. You had a high, prominent bust, full rounded hips, and a plump backside. You had some heft in the thighs, too. You looked healthy and fit.

"You're being nice, aren't you?"

"Okay, you did round out a bit during your time here. You looked lovely, though. I miss the old babyface."

I pulled on all the extra material in the dress. "You want me to wear this dress so that I can expand without splitting my clothes, don't you?"

"You read me like a book. I want the old Alice back. You were quite a beauty. This skinny stick look does not suit you at all."

"You're going to nag me to eat until I fill all the empty space in this dress, aren't you?"

"Yup."

"Has anyone ever told you that you look pretty scrawny yourself?"

"Yup, you. I'm scrawny because my only food source in Wonderland is the snarks. I'm a carnivore. Wonderland is not kindly to carnivores. I haven't been able to bring myself to start raiding the chicken coops. The Gnomes depend on the chickens for eggs. The chickens are too valuable to eat."

I pulled on the dress again. Cheshire rolled his eyes at me.

"I was fat."

"No, you weren't."

"Yes, I was. Look at how big the waist is in this dress."

Cheshire turned and sauntered out the door with the obvious expectation for me to follow. I patted the jackbomb, jacks, and boob shrooms in my sealed pinafore pockets to make sure they were there. I strapped on my Blade holster with the Vorpal Blade in it and crawled out the front door. I felt ridiculous in such an oversized dress.

I ran to catch up with Cheshire who was leading me to a tunnel that he said led to Wonderland Woods.

"This tunnel sure beats your old route," said Cheshire. "I do believe that the Gnome Elder took you to the Skool to get shrinking potion. You went to the Skool Observatory to drink the potion and jump through a portal to the Vale of Tears. You rode a leaf on a stream through most of the Vale of Tears, fought the Duchess, dived into a cistern and breathed ass bubbles from the Mock Turtle while you swam through an underwater temple, and finally popped up in a frog pond in Wonderland Woods. Then the Mock Turtle made you an honorary reptile so you could breathe longer underwater. After the long swim underwater. Rumor has it that you would have killed him if he hadn't fled the scene so quickly."

"I not only would have killed him, I would have eaten him. I nearly drowned in that underwater temple while he twisted and turned all over the place. If I ever see him again, he's soup!"

Cheshire walked me up to what appeared to wooden paneling in the rock wall surrounding Gnome Village and Pandemonium. He stuck his claws into a slit that was impossible to see unless you were standing right next to it just inches away. He pulled and double doors swung open. I never knew it was there.

"Behold our pathway to Wonderland Woods."

It was a mining tunnel that was pitch black. "I'm going to go back to the seamstress' house for a hurricane lamp," I said. "Be right back."

The Gnome Seamstress had plenty of portable metal and glass enclosures for candles in her house. I took one, placed a short, fat candle inside, and lit it. I wondered how much light it would emit in a pitch black tunnel. I hurried back to Cheshire and held the lamp inside the tunnel. Tens of thousands of identical insects - ant lions? - covered the floor, walls, and ceiling of the tunnel.

"Fuck me this looks like something out of horror novel!" exclaimed Cheshire. "You mind if I ride on your shoulder?"

"Cheshire! You big pussy!" I scolded. "I've never known you to be afraid of anything!"

"I'm not afraid," Cheshire grimly observed. "I'm disgusted - like a human woman would be if she had to stick her bare hand into a toilet to unclog it."

"Apt analogy," I said. "I have an idea."

I started to remove the jackbomb from my right pocket, but Cheshire stopped me.

"Think Alice! You throw a jackbomb in there and you'll damage the wooden supports that hold the ceiling up. You could cause a cave-in."

Cheshire was right. I thought for a few moments. "The ice wand sure would be handy right now if I had it."

Cheshire was unable to think of anything. Finally he spoke.

"Alice, I do believe that we are going to have to brave the bugs."

I held the lamp inside the tunnel and noticed that the bugs fled before the light. I picked up Cheshire, plopped him on my shoulder, and walked slowly into the tunnel giving the bugs time to retreat before the advancing light.

End of Chapter 4

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: "The Reverend Returns"

Nurse Dot woke me knocking on my door.

"Alice, you had a visitor yesterday who wanted to see you, but the administrators thought you looked to bad to be seen. A famous children's author. He paid for you to get the better meal plan. Poor fellow actually thinks you'll get meat, fish, and vegetables. He's paying for that, but what you get is this: three bowls of rice, beans, and some pieces of bacon. It's not great, but it's an improvement over those three bowls of porridge you were getting. You'll be taking breakfast, lunch, and dinner in the small dining hall at the far end of the corridor behind the double doors. I'll also be bringing you two bowls of rice and beans to your room an hour before bedtime. I'm instructed to stand over you to make sure you eat it all before you go to sleep."

"The administrators think I look like I'm starving, do they?"

"I think that's it. They're embarrassed to have your visitor see you looking like this. Your visitor also left you a box full of treats and two pinafore dresses."

Nurse Dot plopped the box in front of me. I noticed that it had been opened.

"I watched the administrators root through the box. They did not remove anything. Not with me standing there." Nurse Dot grinned at me. She was unfailingly honest - unlike the administrators who pilfered funds that were supposed to be used for taking care of the patients.

There were all sorts of expensive treats in the box such as chocolate and biscuits, and two pinafore dresses at the bottom.

"Is there any chance that you could get me a lock on my door and a key? This stuff will get stolen before sundown if I leave it in my unlocked room."

"Look on your door, dearie," said Nurse Dot. "I can't protect you from theft by the staff, but I replaced that old broken lock with a new one and took one of the keys for you. I know about that incident with the orderly. The administrators have the other key. That means those two idiot orderlies will still be able to get into your room whenever they like. Other patients, however, will be locked out. The lock is a good one. You can't pick it with a needle. You can use this as a keychain."

Nurse Dot handed me a small metal keychain that had room for maybe three keys. I looked at the new lock installed into the door. Not a padlock on the outside. I realized that I might actually be able to keep stuff in my room and not have it stolen within a day.

"Go ahead and try on one of the new dresses."

Nurse Dot had seen me dress many times before, and I changed my lingerie in front of her and put on one of the new pinafore dresses. A chill of recognition swept over me. It was the same dress I remembered putting on in my dream of the Gnome Seamstress' house. The dress was exactly the same. I could even seal the pockets. I was swimming in it.

"It's way too big," I said.

Nurse Dot smiled. "It's supposed to fit in three months. I saw your medical records. Your new diet of five bowls of rice and beans per day and all of those treats that you will be getting in those boxes every week are supposed to make you fill that dress in three months. The administrators are nervous about your exposed ribs and that caved-in stomach just below your ribs. They want to make you presentable."

"I'd be presentable if they spent the food budget on food for the patients."

"I agree, but what's done is done. Your friend arrived just in time. I was beginning to think that you'd be the next patient here to starve to death."

"So now they want to stuff me like a goose."

"That seems to be the plan. My orders are to put at least three stone on you in the next three months. You may not like that, but the reward is that your friend wants to take you out of here. The administrators won't let you leave until you look like a well-fed child of the upper middle class. They're terrified of that friend of yours. They've seen how large the two pinafore dresses are. Your friend just assumed that those two dresses would be about the right size for you."

"I was chubby as a small child. He probably thought I was still chubby."

"You're actually wearing the smaller dress. The other dress is a size larger. The smaller dress was made in the United States and is an American size 12. That's a British size 14. The larger dress is a British size 16."

"The administrators want to turn a walking skeleton into a fat girl in three months?" I was being sarcastic. I knew very well that three stone wouldn't be enough to make a walking cadaver like me fat.

"You wouldn't be fat, you'd just be a lot bigger than you are now. To a young woman as painfully thin as yourself, normal looks huge. I'm a size 16 myself. I'm very typical for middle-aged women. What would you want for yourself if you could choose?"

"If I could choose? That's easy. I want my bones covered up. Every morning when I get dressed I see my own body. I see my bony arms and legs. I see my rib cage. I see my hipbones sticking out looking like they are begging to break. I'm thankful not to have a mirror in the room. To see my bony, narrow, long face would kill me. I used to have such a pretty face. I had plump, full, rosy cheeks. All my facial features were soft and rounded. I was cute. Now I look like I'm only fifteen missed meals away from a coffin. I want my entire body soft, rounded, and smooth. No sharp edges. No hollowed-out spots. You want me to eat? I'll give you no trouble at all. I'll eat anything and everything you shove in front of me."

"You almost sound as if you want to be stuffed like a goose."

"I do. I want my bones covered up. I want to look like a child of the upper-middle class again. I want to be pretty again. Damn it! I want boobs!"

"We'll try to fill you out enough to satisfy the administrators without turning you into a plump matron like me."

"I'd be okay with getting plump if it meant having breasts." I looked down at my completely flat chest. Nurse Dot burst out laughing.

"Be careful what you wish for, dearie, you may get it!"

"I won't give you any trouble about eating. I just hope I don't throw anything up."

I sat down on the edge of the bed and finished off my first bowl of rice and beans for the day. The bacon gave the dish some flavor and made it a bit salty. It dawned on me that the bowl of rice and beans was a lot more food than the bowls of porridge. I actually felt a bit stuffed after finishing it. It was edible. The saltiness of the pieces of bacon made it almost tasty. Two bowls of this stuff before bedtime? I doubted that I'd be able to finish that much. I panted a moment and rubbed my stomach. I turned to Nurse Dot.

"Bring me another bowl of rice and beans and I'll finish it, too."

Nurse Dot looked astonished at me. "Are you serious?"

"Bring me another bowl and I'll eat it."

Nurse Dot complied and brought me another bowl. I wanted to see if I could stuff in two bowls in one sitting. It took some time, but I could.

"I didn't think you'd be so eager," she said. After that Nurse Dot often sneaked an extra bowl of rice and beans into my room after I had had a meal in the dining hall.

After eating, I prepared myself for my morning workshift in Rutledge's vegetable gardens full of delights that the patients never ever saw in their meals. Weeding and picking bugs off the plants was drudgery, but I was happy to be outside in the sun. Nurse Dot and I left my room together. I turned the key in my new door lock and headed down the stairs toward the garden.

End of Chapter 05

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: "Attack of the Fifty-Pound Boobs"

Hazy, gauzy lights. Shimmering blobs of color. A single lit candle in front of me. I blinked. I was back in Wonderland. The tunnel. Cheshire moaned and howled on my shoulder. First time I ever saw him behave like an actual cat. I took two steps forward in the tunnel and waited. The bugs on the floor, walls, and ceiling retreated. I took another two steps. The bugs retreated again. Two steps by two steps I slowly made my way through the tunnel. Cheshire called my attention to two dark holes in the walls to the immediate left and right of us as we advanced through.

"Those are ventilation shafts, Alice. Hear that 'wump, wump, wump'? That's waterwheel-powered fans running continuously. They blow fresh air into this tunnel continuously. If it weren't for those fans, there might be methane buildup in this tunnel. You can't smell methane. Even I can't smell it. You don't know it's there until it explodes into a giant fireball because somebody has a candle or lit a match."

It dawned on me that I could have blown myself up when I put the candle inside the tunnel. I guess Cheshire never would have let me do that if it were dangerous. I'm dumber than a cat. What a horrible realization.

It took nearly an hour to slowly make our way through the tunnel. The candle actually burned down below the half-way point, and I started to nervously wonder if it would last until we exited. I heaved a great sigh of relief when I saw the end of the tunnel opening into Wonderland Woods.

Cheshire and I walked out perhaps fifteen feet, and I turned around to view our exit from the tunnel. In Wonderland Woods, it looked almost like a cave entrance. The wooden supports of the shaft were covered by vegetation.

"Cat, do you know where the Card Guard compound is in these woods?"

"But of course. I wouldn't have led you here if I hadn't known exactly where it is. You'll have to follow me closely, though. These woods don't have much in the way of landmarks. It is very easy to wind around in circles here and end up at your starting point. That mining shaft entrance is a very important landmark. It points directly toward a frog pond with a waterfall about a mile up ahead. That's our second landmark. There's a log in the frog pond that has its roots up in the air. The roots point to the Card Guard compound three miles away."

"So we have four miles to walk."

"Very good, Alice. You were listening to me."

"Anything to eat around here?"

"There's fallen nuts on the ground everywhere, but we don't have anything to crack them with. At the frog pond, there's some blackberry briars for you and maybe, if I'm lucky, a frog for me. Raw, of course."

Wonderland Woods looked very different from the last time I was there. There were no enemies to greet me coming out of the tunnel. There were no enemies in sight at all. The only creatures I saw were butterflies which were absolutely everywhere. There were so many butterflies that there always a few lit on my clothes. Cheshire ignored the butterflies that lit on him. I noticed that the butterflies seemed to have a liking for his ears. There always seemed to be one lit on at least one of his ears. I had a problem with butterflies lighting on my nose. I guess I was so skinny that my nose looked like a perch to them.

"Cheshire, are there any enemies in these woods besides the Card Guards?"

"None that I know of. Wonderland Woods is perilous if you're shrunken, but if you're full-sized, these woods are remarkably devoid of dangers. We do need to keep an eye out for Card Guard patrols, but they rarely stray far from their compound. We're still too far away to need to worry about them much."

Cheshire and I trudged silently for the next twenty minutes or so. When we reached the frog pond, I noted where the roots of the fallen log in the pond pointed and headed straight for the blackberry briars. No bugs on the bushes. None at all. I was amazed. It was tricky getting the berries without getting scratched. I spent the next few hours gorging on the berries until I was barely able to move. I walked back to the pond in time to see Cheshire ripping into a frog. He looked up at me, said nothing, and continued ripping flesh from the frog. I did not flinch at the sight. Cats are predators. Even house cats. Cheshire, of course, had long been pure feral.

"Finally got one, huh? Or is that your second?"

Cheshire finished off the frog. "It was my third. I usually do not have such luck hunting. I was getting hungry enough to eat Card Guard. They taste like a cross between cotton cloth and paper. Yuck!"

"Have you ever killed a Card Guard strictly for food?"

Cheshire looked at me, furrowed his brow, and grinned. "Yes, I have. That's why Card Guards treat me with respect. I can slash a Card Guard's guts open with my claws just as easily as you can chop one in half with your Vorpal Blade. I do recommend that you maintain your distance if possible, however. Card Guards are blithering idiots, but they can be deadly at close range. Large numbers of them are dangerous, too. We really need to find the Jabberwock Eyestaff. Right now, your only effective weapon against more than six Card Guards is the boob shrooms. Those are not something you want to depend on. I also don't know what effects repeated uses of those mushrooms can cause."

"They might actually give me boobs permanently?"

"I said I don't know. Who knows what side effects such weird drugs could cause. Those boob shrooms ARE a drug. Use them only when the alternative is dying."

"I'd settle for a pair of C-cups."

"Funny, I'd always thought you had a fetish for large breasts."

"It's men who have the fetish. We women have to live with it. If men weren't obsessed with breasts, we women would prefer cute little perky B-cups that don't get in the way and don't sag later in life. Any woman with F-cups is going to have her knockers hanging down past her waist late in life. Big boobs always turn into granny boobs eventually."

Neither one of us worried about our voices carrying because the waterfall drowned us out. Cheshire began to sing, and I alternated.

"Do your boobs hang low?"

"Do they wobble to and fro?"

"Can you tie them in a knot?"

"Can you tie them in a bow?"

"Can you throw them o'er your shoulders?"

"Are they big as fuckin' boulders?"

"Do your boobs hang low?"

Cheshire and I sang chorus on that last line of verse one. I started off the second verse, and Cheshire and I alternated lines again.

"Do your boobs sit high?"

"Do they point up to the sky?"

"Do they pimple when they're cold?

"Do they schwing each and every guy?"

"Do you wobble them in the mirror?"

"Do guys want to see them nearer?"

"Do your boobs sit high?"

Cheshire and I also sang chorus on that last line of verse two. We stopped singing at that point and prepared to leave. We had three miles to walk to the Card Guard compounds. Straight as the roots point. We agreed to maintain strict silence from that point on, and made an effort to watch where we stepped so as to avoid making any unnecessary sounds such a stepping on a dead twig. It was a long walk. Cheshire led the way.

Was it just one hour? Two? It felt like an entire day that we walked toward the Card Guard compound in featureless, wooded terrain with clumps of underbrush located everywhere. There was enough open space to walk unencumbered, but no more. Cheshire's ears and tail suddenly went up, and I knew to be on guard.

Far ahead between the trees was the Card Guard compound. I crouched down and began to crawl behind Cheshire. We advanced very slowly. We were able to see six Card Guards milling around outside the compound. We had no idea how many were inside. Cheshire motioned for me to move straight ahead, and indicated with motions of his paw that he was going to circle around to the back. He pointed to my pockets and motioned for me to take out a boob shroom and hold it in my left hand. I needed to keep my right hand free for my blade in case a Card Guard saw me. I considered the possibility of tossing a jackbomb inside the compound to rid ourselves of all the Card Guards inside in a single instant.

I hid behind some underbrush and waited for Cheshire to return from his reconnaissance. About fifteen very long minutes later Cheshire returned and air-drew the message "six more behind several inside." There were at least fifteen Card Guards. There was no possibility of taking them down one-by-one. Attacking them in the three groups that they were in was inadvisable as well. I came up with my own plan. We had to get them all in one space. To do that we needed a lure. Me.

I placed a full boob shroom in my mouth, but did not chew or swallow it. I brazenly walked up to the Card Guard compound and stood with my back to a tree as the Card Guards outside in view called to their buddies. In a few seconds I had around eighteen Card Guards approaching me. I took off my blouse and draped it on a nearby tree branch. I stripped off my bra and also draped it on the tree branch. The Card Guards came within maybe three to five feet and began laughing.

"Is she offering us a bribe?"

"Poor, deluded bitch thinks she's sexy!"

"No tits! No ass! No hips! I need a better offer!"

"Bitch, do you ever eat?"

"If she had any meat on her, she'd make a delectable dish!"

I really did not want to use that boob shroom. I really didn't. I was dreading the damn thing. I moved the shroom over toward my teeth and began chewing it like gum. That meat broth flavor again. Quite pleasant actually. I breathed deeply. I did not want to swallow it. I braced my back firmly against the tree and winced. I swallowed hard.

I felt light-headed and dizzy to the point of passing out. I felt a sudden yank on my chest as if someone had just attached two cannon balls to my breasts with very short chains and then dropped the cannon balls. I looked down and saw that my breasts were rapidly filling with a thick, heavy liquid. They slid farther and farther down my chest and grew continuously straight outward projecting more and more. My breasts reached my waist and seemed to float two feet out in front of me. The Card Guards stared open-mouthed and some dropped their weapons. None of them said anything. The ones in front of me stepped back a foot. The volume of the undersides of my breasts was massive and continued growing. The pull on my shoulders was staggering. My breasts continued to slide downwards and grow outwards even farther. They reached my knees and stopped. They waved and sloshed back and forth perhaps four feet in front of me. I struggled to catch my breath.

The Card Guards had all dropped their weapons by now. They were all staring with their mouths wide open. Speechless. I suddenly jerked my shoulders to the left and my breasts obligingly swung with me. I started to twirl to the left and smacked the first Card Guard to my left with one breast. He went flying backwards over the underbrush perhaps fifteen feet. I continued to twirl and caught another Card Guard in the side. He flew backwards about fifteen feet as well. One of my breasts dipped under the other, and I caught the third Card Guard with both breasts. He went soaring over the tree tops and didn't make a sound as he flew. From this point onward I caught every Card Guard with both breasts and sent him flying over the treetops. It took me perhaps seven full seconds to send every Card Guard flying. Only the last few had started to grab for their weapons, but none of them had time to poke me or fire.

The Card Guards gone, a new dilemma stared me in the face. My breasts completely covered my pockets and I couldn't lift them out of the way. I lay on the ground stretching out my breasts in front of me, opened my right pocket, and fished for my little metal shroom box. I opened it and found a light-orange mushroom. An inspiration hit me, and I tore off a small piece which was about fifteen percent of the mushroom and put it back in the metal box. I put the metal box back in my pocket and sealed it. I chewed the remaining part of the mushroom and swallowed. My breasts deflated, but not completely. My breasts now hung down on my chest a bit below my elbows and a bit above my waist. They floated perhaps eight inches in front of me. The pull on shoulders felt slight. These were manageable.

I checked inside the compound for more Card Guards with my jacks and jackbomb ready, but there was no one inside. All clear. Cheshire showed up and immediately asked why I hadn't taken the whole mushroom.

"An experiment, Cat. I wanted to find out what a reasonable-sized pair feel like."

"You call that a reasonable size? Those things are huge."

"This is what human men like. Breasts like these would be their wildest fantasy. They're manageable. Only a little pull on my shoulders."

I was still naked from the waist up. I reached my hands up into the air and clasped them behind my head. I shifted my shoulders back and forth to make my breasts wobble. They had a very nice sway. I cupped them from underneath and let them drop a few times. Perfect bounce.

"If I had any meat on the rest of my body, I'd be tempted to keep these. In a war zone, however, breasts like these would be a nuisance. At the very least, they would interfere with me using my Vorpal Blade. I suppose it would hurt considerably if I accidentally lopped off my right boob."

I opened my right pocket again and fished out the little metal shroom box. I pulled out the tiny piece of light-orange mushroom I had cut off.

"Bye-bye boobies. Parting is such sweet sorrow!"

I chewed and swallowed the little piece and was back to normal. I went back to the tree branch and pulled down my bra and strapped it back on.

"Back to flat!" I said to Cheshire. I put my blouse back on and followed Cheshire out into the woods to see if any of the Card Guards were still alive. Only the first two I hit - the ones I hit with only one breast - were still alive. I dispatched them with my Vorpal Blade. Cheshire and I headed back to the Card Guard compound.

"Look at all this food!" Cheshire exclaimed with his eyes bugging out. These Card Guards were well-provisioned, unlike the Card Guards of my previous trip through Wonderland. This Red Queen was obviously smarter than the last one. She knew to treat her soldiers well.

Cheshire and I took stock of all the food available in the compound, and concluded that it would take us three days of nonstop gorging to finish all of it. Meats, cheeses, eggs, bread, crackers, wine, nuts, berries, etc. It was quite a store.

"Let's not forget what we came here for," said Cheshire. "The key to the Gnomes' lockboxes and chastity belts should be in here somewhere."

In one unlocked drawer, we found a single key-chain with three keys on it. There were no other keys in the place. There were no locks on any of the doors in the compound, so we figured that two of the keys had uses we didn't know about yet. One of the keys had to be for the Gnomes. We decided to finish off the food before we headed back to the tunnel in Yur Mine in Pandemonium where the Gnomes were holed up.

The next few days were a haze of drunken gluttony. Cheshire stood guard over me when I slept. When the food was finally all finished, I remember lying on the floor of the compound rubbing my distended stomach. Cheshire was passed out on the floor with his paws up in the air and his tail trailing. His fur had actually started to grow back a bit. Must have been all those eggs that I had scrambled for him.

When Cheshire woke up, I looked over at him at him and grinned.

"Nice little binge we had, hmmm...? I'll probably gain ten pounds from this, if I haven't already."

"It'll take a lot more than that to make you look presentable again."

Cheshire and I started back for the frog pond and then the exit tunnel back to Gnome Village. Both of us burped and farted the entire way.

End of Chapter 6

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: "I Feel the Earth Move"

"Alice," said Cheshire, "where's your hurricane lamp?"

Damn. I had forgotten it. We had been walking ten minutes toward the frog pond when Cheshire noticed that I didn't have it. Passing through the mining tunnel would be impossible without it. I also needed to replace the candle in the hurricane lamp, scrounge up at least two extra candles, and find a box of matches. I hadn't carried anything extra with Cheshire and myself on the first passage through the tunnel. Incredibly stupid. If the candle had blown out, we would have had to feel our way out through all the bugs.

We turned around and headed back to the Card Guard compound. There were plenty of supplies there. I replaced the candle in the hurricane lamp, grabbed six extra candles and two boxes of safety matches, and then wandered around looking to see if there were any other supplies that might be useful. I grabbed a pad of paper and a few pencils. There was nothing else that seemed worth the weight of carrying. We turned around and headed back toward the frog pond. I could tell that Cheshire was irritated with me. Good thing he noticed so soon that I had left my hurricane lamp behind. Going back four miles from the entrance of the mining shaft would have been a real pain.

"Alice..."

"Yes, Cheshire?"

"You're still a scatterbrain."

"You actually expected that I'd be smarter this time around?"

"I was hoping you would be."

"Sorry to disappoint you."

We trudged on to the frog pond in silence. Cheshire was out in front keeping his eyes and ears alert for the possibility - however remote - of Card Guards in the vicinity. There seemed to be no other enemies in the area. I was thankful that there were no boojums around. I absolutely hated those things. When we got to the frog pond, I suddenly realized that we had no landmark pointing directly at the mining shaft entrance. Cheshire looked at the submerged end of the fallen log, made a calculation in his head, and decided on the correct path.

"This way, Alice," said Cheshire.

"How do you know, Cat?"

"The path back to the mining tunnel entrance is at an angle from the fallen log. I'm also familiar with this area. You're lucky I'm here."

"Cat, I've always felt myself lucky to have you around."

"Nice to hear it. I've always thought you regarded me as annoying."

"Only occasionally. I can't begin to count the number of times I would have died without your help."

"Or simply woken up back in the Asylum? Have you ever figured out which is the real world and which is the dreamworld, yet?"

"Most of the time, I think Wonderland is the dreamworld. If I've ever died here, I don't remember it. There are, however, incidents that happen in Wonderland that foreshadow events in the Asylum. Those foreshadowings sometimes make me think that Wonderland might be the world that is real and that Rutledge is actually the dreamworld."

"Very profound. If Wonderland is the dreamworld, then what am I?

"You're my common sense keeping me from getting killed. Or maybe you're my imagined rendering of someone I know in the Asylum world. Perhaps the Professor Dodgson?"

"You're scary sometimes, Alice."

Cheshire led the way to the mining shaft entrance, and, after perhaps twenty minutes of swift stepping we were there.

"Up, Cat," I said, pointing to my shoulder.

Cheshire circled around behind me and made a perfect leap on to my shoulder. He situated himself while I busied myself lighting the hurricane lamp. I put the matchbox back in my sealable dress pocket. I was thankful that they were safety matches that only ignited against the strip on the box. Having matches ignite inside a pocket is a nasty event.

"Are we ready to enter, Cheshire?"

"I think we're ready."

Traveling through the tunnel was the same as before. Take two steps and wait for the bugs to retreat. Do it again and again and again. Tedious as a first form English class. When we exited the tunnel, there was a surprise waiting for us - an unpleasant one.

When I threw open the double doors, a group of about eight Card Guards down the road saw us and immediately headed toward us.

"FUCK!" I screeched.

"Boobs or bugs, Alice? Decide now!" blurted out Cheshire.

"Bugs!" I shouted as I turned tail to the Card Guards. I was still holding the hurricane lamp in my right hand. Cheshire made a flying leap onto my shoulder and we fled into the tunnel not waiting for the bugs to retreat before the light. I yanked open my right pocket with my left hand, snatched my jacks, and dropped them to block the tunnel temporarily. Bugs crunched beneath my feet. Behind me I heard two Card Guards run into the jacks. I turned and flung my Blade at the one in front. Down one Card Guard. Cheshire readied to leap and take down the second Card Guard himself as I momentarily had no usable weapon available. The jackbomb was out of the question in the mining shaft and a boob shroom in the narrow tunnel was suicide. Fortunately my jacks finished off the second Card Guard. Cheshire heaved a sigh of relief.

"I wasn't afraid of the Card Guard, but brawling in a seething mass of bugs was not my idea of fun."

"There's still six Card Guards out by the entrance," I said.

I put my fingers to my lips and slowly advanced to the double doors. I suddenly flung them open and saw that I would not need to fight the Card Guards. The cavalry was coming!

"YEAH BABY! IT'S CHOW TIME! FRESH CARD GUARD! LAST ONE DOWN AN ASSHOLE CHANGES THE LITTER!"

"HAMSTERS!" screeched the terrified Card Guard patrol leader. "RUN FOR YOUR ASSHOLES!"

Like Kangaroo rats jacked up on sugar, the hamsters bounded toward the Card Guards, knocked them over, and did their trademark swan dive into the anus where they began burrowing their way through the entire digestive system. The Card Guards howled and pounded the ground but there was no escape for five of them. One was running down the road and I ran after him. Cheshire bounded along behind me.

"Your honor or mine?" asked Cheshire.

"I'll let you have this one," I said.

We had the Card Guard cornered in the area near the Rabbit Hole with the junk pile of condoms nearby. Cheshire circled the Card Guard and taunted him.

"Awwww! Guardie does not want to play with the little Kitty?"

Cheshire's toothy grin must have been terrifying to the Card Guard. I swear Cheshire had more teeth than a Great White Shark. After a few minutes of dread-inducing circling, Cheshire pounced the instant the Card Guard failed to stay directly face-to-face with him. Out came the claws and a Card Guard arm went flying before he was able to aim his weapon. Cheshire ripped the other arm off a moment later and stood on the Card Guard's chest. I couldn't stand to watch anymore. Cheshire was playing with his prey like a house cat plays with a mouse that he really doesn't want to eat. I unsheathed my Vorpal Blade and plunged into the Card Guard's chest.

I was very surprised to hear the Card Guard whisper "Thank you" before expiring. I bit my lip and refrained from saying anything about torture to Cheshire. I suddenly understood why Cheshire had such a fearsome reputation among the Card Guards. I was damned glad he was on my side.

Cheshire and I sauntered back to Gnome Village in time to see our furry saviours lined up in front of the Gnome Elder's little house. They bowed to us and the leader of the group began to sing.

I've paid my dues

Time after time

I've done my sentence

But committed no crime

And bad mistakes

I've made a few

I've had my share of sand

Kicked in my face

But I've come through

And we mean to go on and on and on and on

We are The Hamsters, my friends

And we'll keep on fighting till the end

We are The Hamsters

We are The Hamsters

No time for losers

'Cause we are The Hamsters of Wonderland

I've taken my bows

And my curtain calls

Wonderland brought me fame and fortune

And everything that goes with it

I thank you all

But it's been no bed of roses

No pleasure cruise

I consider it a challenge before

the human race

And I ain't gonna lose

And we mean to go on and on and on and on

We are The Hamsters, my friends

And we'll keep on fighting till the end

We are The Hamsters

We are The Hamsters

No time for losers

'Cause we are the Hamsters of Wonderland

We are The Hamsters, my friends

And we'll keep on fighting till the end

We are The Hamsters

We are The Hamsters

No time for losers

'Cause we are the Hamsters of Wonderland

The leader of the hamster pack bowed to us. All five then turned smartly on their heels and walked in a perfect line on their hind feet into the Gnome Elders' house. Cheshire and I saluted as they walked past. Heroes, one and all.

"So, Cat," I said, "shall we go liberate some Gnomes from celibacy and itchy rashes?"

"We shall, but first I think we should scour the village in search of more weapons. In that tunnel, you had two weapons in use, and two weapons which you could not use in tight quarters. You were effectively unarmed for a few seconds."

"As usual, Cat, you are completely right. Where shall we start the search?"

"I suggest we start back underneath the Rabbit Hole. I remember seeing several piles of trash there in addition to the mountain of condoms that you landed in."

Cheshire and I walked over to the area underneath the Rabbit Hole - it was only a few minutes away - and began poking through the trash. One of the piles of trash was of children's toys. I was flabbergasted.

"The Red Queen is so mean that she took away children's toys?"

"The Red Queen thinks in terms of military strategy, Alice. Taking away the children's toys was a demoralization tactic. A way of demonstrating the Gnomes' helplessness to them."

"I think I'd react with anger. Didn't the Gnomes have any way to fight back?"

"The Gnomes' only real tactical asset is their ability to disappear from one location and reappear in another. They don't have any effective weapons against the Card Guards."

"Except hamsters."

"Except hamsters."

I rooted through the pile of toys and found an old, faded spinning top. It was obvious that it had once been a thing of stunning beauty, but its varnish was completely worn off and the wood had turned gray. Still, its shape was perfect, and its surface was smooth except for the expertly cut grooves for the string which was trailing from its tip.

"Do you know how to throw one of those things?" asked Cheshire.

"I had one of these as a small child. In fact, I think it was my first toy. I had a shiny, red laquered spinning top with a string. Much like this one." I wrapped the string around the top and gave it a throw. The top spun perfectly on a flat spot of dirt and kicked up a miniature dust devil as it spun.

"Alice," said Cheshire, "I do believe that you have found a new weapon."

I watched the top spin and wondered how long it would take to topple over. As long as the top spun, the miniature dust devil that enveloped it continued to spin, too.

"Cat, I do believe that it could be used to temporarily block a path, corridor, or tunnel."

The toy toppled over and reappeared in my hand in the style of my jacks. I carefully wrapped the string around it and placed it in my right pocket, which I resealed.

"A funny thing, Alice. Toys seem to like you. Especially toys that can be used as weapons."

"Indeed, Cat. Want to do any more searching?"

"How about the houses that we didn't search when we were searching for your Blade?"

Cheshire and I did precisely that searching the houses that we hadn't been into before thoroughly. Getting in was no problem as before. We did not encounter a single lock. We searched kitchen cabinets, drawers in living rooms and bedroom furniture, and every closet we could find. We found only one thing of significance. In one house we found a sealed envelope with "Alice" written on the outside. It had a single paragraph inside on one sheet of paper. It was typed.

"Your Vorpal Blade is in one of the village homes being used as a kitchen knife. The seamstress has some of your old dresses, your jacks weapon, and your jackbomb. The White King of Pale Realm is holding your Jabberwock Eyestaff for you in a high security, heavily guarded location. He claims to have your shuriken cards also. No one knows where your croquet mallet is. There is some suspicion that a Gnome child has it in a closet as a toy that never gets used. Your ice wand is thought to be lost in a cave in the Land of Fire and Ice. The Gnome Elder has your demon die wrapped in a dozen bags and stuffed in a wooden box in his home. He knows you hated it and had no desire for it. Hatter destroyed the deadtime watch. He regretted making it and said it was too dangerous to be allowed to exist. If there were/are any other weapons in Wonderland, we Gnomes know nothing of them."

"So it looks like our destination after unlocking the Gnomes is Pale Realm," said Cheshire.

"Lucky the Card Guards never searched the homes," I observed.

We headed straight for the tunnel in Yur Mine where the Gnomes were holed up. "You always turn left to find the Gnomes," I remembered. We marched into their underground chamber and tried our keys. One key unlocked the Gnome men's metal lock boxes and a second key unlocked the Gnome women's metal fabric chastity belts. I showered condoms throughout the area as I unlocked Gnomes as fast as I could.

"Make the ground shake!" I shouted. "Let the Queens know that some people in Wonderland are having fun tonight! Cheshire began to sing in that deep soulful voice of his.

Ev'rybody have fun tonight

Ev'rybody Wang Chung tonight

Ev'rybody have fun tonight

Ev'rybody Wang Chung tonight

He did make some rather obscene gestures with his hips while singing. I looked the other way. The Gnomes didn't waste anytime pairing up. Nobody it seemed had any interest in taking a shower. They got down to business right away. Gnomes were Wang Chunging on the tables, on the floor, against the walls, on sleeping mats, just everywhere. They were doing the missionary position, the jockey, doggie-style, the sixty-nine, the cowgirl, the wall bang. I even saw a few starfish positions. Everybody was paired up, except...

An older Gnome woman with a crazed, desperate look on her face slowly scanned the room. Her eyes fell upon Cheshire and she grabbed him by the scruff of the neck.

"You'll do!" she rasped. The Gnome woman yanked up her skirt, flipped bug-eyed Cheshire paws up, and jammed the poor, howling cat's stiff, erect tail down her shriveled, stinking, dried-up, nasty, bush-enshrouded puss and began to plunge as if she were trying to unstop a drain. Cheshire hissed, flipped, twirled, unsheathed his claws, and slashed the woman across her left cheek. Four of his claws connected and left three-inch scratches, one on top of the other, that looked like North American Indian warpaint. The woman threw Cheshire and vanished into the crowd of crazed humping Gnomes. The floor of the cave shook beneath our feet as if an earthquake were in progress. Cheshire fled into the tunnels and I followed closely behind.

When we exited the tunnels, a panting Cheshire looked at me with bitterness in his eyes.

"No good deed goes unpunished."

End of Chapter 7

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Lyrics to "We Are the Champions" by Freddie Mercury of Queen slightly altered to create "We Are the Hamsters."

Brief excerpt from the song "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" by Wang Chung.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: "I Am the Eggman"

"Come on, Cat, let's go back to Gnome Village and get you cleaned up."

"Oh, how low have I sunk. Cats are supposed to be self-cleaning, but there's no way I'm going to lick that goop off. Yuck!"

"I remember a house in Gnome Village that had rubber gloves in a drawer near the sink. I don't want to touch that goop, either."

I led Cheshire to the house, took him around back to the outdoor shower house, and proceeded to hose the poor cat down. He had a look of unspeakable misery on his furry face. After the hose-down, I donned rubber gloves, carved off a piece of laundry soap, and lathered up Cheshire from head to foot at his insistence. I was only going to clean his tail, but Cheshire wanted a complete catwash. He moaned the entire time, but kept perfectly still. All soaped up, I took him back to the shower and hosed him down a second time. Next came the Gnome hooch. Disinfectant, you know. I poured it on his tail and ass. Did he ever howl when I poured it on his poor ass. What a screech! I said a quiet prayer that the old Gnome woman was not infected with anything. Finally I dried him off with a hand towel that I tossed on the floor after using. Cheshire said nothing about me being a slob this time.

"Our route to Pale Realm will require passing through the mining tunnel again, walking all the way from one end of Wonderland Woods to the other, entering a corner of the Land of Fire and Ice known as Caterpillar's Plot, and then going down a bizarre-looking canyon littered with chess squares spilling out from the Pale Ream entrance gate," said Cheshire.

We continued walking through the Gnome village, and Cheshire suddenly dashed up to the entrance of the house on the left and took a long, slow, leisurely leak on the door. Then he disappeared inside and I heard a stream splashing over everything inside. Cheshire did not need to tell me whose house that was. Somehow, I just knew.

"Pity I didn't need to take a number two. I would have left the old lady a souvenir on her dining room table, too."

I kept my mouth shut. Sometimes its just best not to say anything. Really, who could blame him? I thought about what I would have done. Jackbomb. Definitely jackbomb. Blow the house to kingdom come. Yeah, Cheshire was actually quite restrained in his revenge. I would have done worse.

We reached the mining tunnel and I let loose with a long sigh. Another trip through the bugs. I hate bugs. Why did it have to be bugs?

In Wonderland Woods, we stopped at the frog pond for awhile to give Cheshire a chance to hunt for frogs. He caught one frog, but ate mostly the snarks that he had been depending on ever since he fled the Duchess' house. We stopped at the Card Guard compound for me to do some foraging. The compound had nutcrackers and bags I could use for gathering nuts. I spent the next two days there gorging on nuts. Cheshire ate a few nuts, but only enough to keep hunger away. Pity considering that nuts were the most plentiful food in Wonderland. Also the most plentiful type of inhabitant.

At the border of Wonderland Woods and the Land of Fire and Ice, Cheshire gave me a warning that the Humpty-Dumpty of my memory did not exist any more.

"The happy-go-lucky gigolo of old is gone. He has lost his inspiration and his abilility to perform."

I was a bit mystified about that inspiration and ability to perform bit, but I was about to find out. I wish I hadn't. I think I would have been happier if we had given Humpty a wide berth, but he did have one piece of useful information.

Cheshire and I walked into Caterpillar's Plot to find old Humpty sitting in the same place I had seen him on my last trip through Wonderland. He was rocking back and forth as he moaned over and over and over "Oh, woe is me, woe is me, woe is me!"

I walked directly in front of old Humpty and addressed him. "And what, old friend, is the source of your woe?"

Humpty looked me up and down and looked surprised, but was gracious and friendly. "Ah, Alice! You've returned!"

"Yes, I have! Why all the lamentations?"

Humpty sighed. "I couldn't get it up for the Red Queen and now she wants my head. Actually heads. Yes. She wants both of them."

"Why Humpty, what has befallen you? You were famous! You did all the Card royalty!"

"The Red Queen was insulted. She said if I could get it up for the Queen of Spades who looks like Margaret Thatcher, then I should be able to get it up for anybody! Oh, her wrath was unquenchable. So now I hide here in one of Wonderland's backwaters."

"How did you lose your inspiration?"

"You were my inspiration. All I had to do was think of the sight of you walking away, and up came ding-a-ling! You were gone for so long that I forgot what your enabling jiggle looked like. Oh, you were fabulous walking away. Such bounce! Such jiggle! Do forgive me for asking, but what has become of you? There's so much less of you! Nothing to bounce or jiggle now! Poor dear!"

"Ummmm..." I couldn't think of anything to say. I had no idea. No idea at all that I was anybody's inspiration. Or target of lust. Humpty jumped down in front of me and began to serenade me while making obscene thrusting movements with his hips.

I like big butts and I can not lie

The other eggmen can't deny

That when Miss Alice walks in with an itty bitty waist

And a great big round thing in your face

You get sprung, wanna pull out your puff

'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed

Deep in the pinafore she's wearing

I'm hooked and I can't stop staring

Oh Miss Alice, I wanna get with you

And take your picture

My eggmen tried to warn me

But that butt you got makes me so horny

I'm tired of magazines

Sayin' flat butts are the thing

Take the average eggman and ask him that

She gotta pack much back

So, eggmen! (Yeah!) Eggmen! (Yeah!)

Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)

Tell her to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)

Shake that healthy butt!

Miss Alice got back!

I just stood there with my jaw dropped. I looked over my shoulder at my scrawny backside. There used to be some volume back there. Not anymore. Poor old Humpty. I sure wasn't going to be able to inspire him this time! Humpty noticed me staring.

"Yeah, it's a shame ain't it. Somebody's been starving you!"

At this point Cheshire butted in increasing my embarrassment. "If you think she looks scrawny now, you should have seen her when she arrived. Remember that fairy tale about the corpse bride? She was a walking skeleton. She's been stuffing her face nonstop since she got here, and there is now at least a stone more of her."

I had a handful of nuts that I was shoveling into my mouth and stopped shoveling. I wanted to crawl under a rock. I wanted to pour more Gnome hooch on Cheshire's ass. I wanted to disappear.

"Why must you blokes talk about my body as if I weren't even here?"

"We're males, that's what we do," said Cheshire. Humpty nodded in agreement.

I walked away without saying anything. I was headed toward the canyon with the gateway to Pale Realm. I walked alone for a few minutes, and then Cheshire came bounding up.

"Humpty had one piece of useful information. The Hatter has developed a new weapon."

"Didn't I kill Hatter?" I interrrupted.

"You killed his robot, remember?"

"Oh, yeah. The Red Queen had the real Hatter."

"Anyway, Hatter's new weapon is an auto-injecting syringe in the form of a bullet. He's developed a gun for it, too. A sort of rifle with six chambers in a revolving cylinder."

Cheshire and I looked at each other, both obviously thinking the same thing at the same moment.

"Boob shrooms!" we both said simultaneously. We could distill boob shrooms into liquid form, fill the syringes, and shoot them into the Red Queen. Oh, yeah. Six syringes full of boob juice. The Red Queen would be buried alive in boobage. I couldn't help cackling like one of the wicked witches of Oz. I had a plan.

End of Chapter 8

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights. "Baby Got Back" is a song written and recorded by Sir Mix-a-Lot. It appears on his album "Mack Daddy."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: "A Key to the Kingdom"

A routine Friday. After morning weeding in the Asylum's gardens, and afternoon reading in the library, I returned to my room to await Nurse Dot probably bringing me an extra bowl of rice and beans. She did arrive as usual, and reminded me to show up in the medical center Saturday morning for my one-month checkup. It was what happened after my checkup that made the day noteworthy.

The doctors wanted a quick check of my statistics after one month of being stuffed full of rice and beans from the Asylum and chocolate and treats from Professor Dodgson. The two men in the medical center left when I arrived to let Nurse Dot take all the measurements. First thing Nurse Dot wanted was for me to strip to naked except for socks. She circled me with a clipboard in hand and scribbled down some general comments.

"You look better," she said. "Your ribs don't show as much and your stomach no longer looks caved in." She pinched me in a few places and commented. "You've even got a tiny bit of flesh to pinch in a few places. Now onto the scales."

She offered me the option to turn around and not see the number generated by the sliding weights on the scale, but I chose to face the scales. I had been 85 pounds at the beginning of the month. Now the scales indicated 102.

"You've done well for the first month. You don't look like you could keel over and die at any moment like you did. You're still thin, though. Too thin to be released."

"Everyone still wants me to fill this dress, hmmm...?"

"I think so."

"I just want my face back. I used to be really cute. I had cheeks like a little girl. I haven't felt glamourous for a long time with this pinched face."

"You don't see any difference in your face in the mirror?"

"Nope," I said. "None at all."

"I see a little difference. Not much."

Nurse Dot took my measurements. Up three inches in the chest although I was still flat as a board. Up three inches in the waist. Up four inches in the hips. I was starting to show a slight rounding in the hips. I still had bones sticking out, but they weren't as obvious as before. The most obvious difference was that all my hollowed-out spots were filling in. I was starting to look human again. My upper arms and thighs still looked like twigs, though. No obvious muscles anywhere. I wondered about the other human cadavers in the Asylum being starved simply because they were friendless and had no one to check on them and keep the administrators honest. Nurse Dot took a few more tests and scribbled a bit more.

"By the end of next month, I want to see some jiggle on you somewhere. A completely solid body in a young woman is considered a sign of grinding poverty."

There I stood with my flat chest, nearly straight hips, and no ass. She told me she wanted to see something jiggle. With a completely straight face. I began to sing.

"All I want for birthday is a wee bit of jiggle,

A wee bit of jiggle,

A wee bit of jiggle.

All I want for birthday is a wee bit of jiggle.

God please send me tits."

"I ain't askin' for much.

I ain't askin' for a pair of bowling balls.

Just a nice, normal-looking pair of B's.

Just enough to avoid looking like a boy in a dress.

Is that too much?"

"All I want for birthday is a wee bit of jiggle,

A wee bit of jiggle,

A wee bit of jiggle.

All I want for birthday is a wee bit of jiggle.

God please send me tits."

"And an ass big enough to bounce."

Nurse Dot winced a little. She led me down the corridor toward the stairway. As I passed by the administrators' office, I noticed that it had the same kind of lock that my little room had. I looked straight at Nurse Dot and she nodded without saying anything. Somehow, I knew that my key would fit that lock. I couldn't test it then because there was probably at least one person in the administrators' office. I knew that I would be visiting that office in the middle of some night when some idiot orderly was neglecting his duties. I wondered what I would find there.

End of Chapter 9

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: "Happy-Go-Fucky"

The approach to the gateway to Pale Realm looked exactly the same as it had on my previous trip through, but this time there were no enemies standing in the way. No Diamond or Spade Guards overhead, no Red Pawns bounding around. I still had to watch my step. There were dropthroughs everywhere. Cheshire was especially cautious. He hated that one spot near the gate that had dropoffs on both sides of the stone step. He decided to make a running leap over it. I winced as I watched him do it. He winced likewise as he watched me thread the needle between the two dropoffs.

In front of us, two White Knights flanked the entrance and pulled on the chains to lift the gate.

"Here's your welcome bag. Enjoy your stay."

The two White Knights greeted Cheshire in an identical fashion. Cheshire carried his bag in his teeth. I looked inside my bag. A box of condoms, a box of handrolled cigarettes, and a box of safety matches. I looked at the cigarettes.

"Cheshire, I don't think these cigarettes are made of tobacco. They look funny."

"Ever hear of Wonderland Weed, Alice?"

"Ummm... No."

Cheshire rolled his eyes and muttered something about me being hopelessly naive. We wandered into the main square of Pale Realm which was shrouded in a dense, heavy, nearly opaque smoke that reeked of rotting hay. Everywhere in the fog we could see couples banging away on top of tables, on top of stone walls, and against the walls of buildings. Used condoms littered the square. I didn't remember Pale Realm being so heavily populated before.

"Alice, I do believe I've been seeing Gnomes here. Not all of the couples are chess pieces. The Pawns are all young women. Weren't they children, before?"

I peered through the dense smoke.

"This sure isn't the Pale Realm I remember from before."

"Understatement of the year. I've never seen such a happy-go-fucky place."

Something went whizzing by my waist sash and struck Cheshire right on the side of the face. Cheshire sputtered and cursed. The object fell off his face.

"Is that a used condom?"

I bent over intensely aware that kneeling meant coming into contact with several used condoms. I inspected what had just fallen off Cheshire's face. It was identical to all the other objects on the stone of the walkway.

"I do believe it is, Cheshire. Come over. I'll clean you up."

I took out a handkerchief that I always carried in my dress pocket and wiped the goo off poor Cheshire's face. I would have given him a bath if we had still been in Gnome Village. I looked at my handkerchief afterwards and decided that perhaps I should not like to put it back in my dress pocket. Looking at all the other litter, and not seeing any garbage cans nearby, I threw it down.

"Sorry about your good handkerchief, Alice."

"Small loss, Cat. I hear water running from a fountain nearby. What say you take a dive in some water?"

"Cats are supposed to hate water, but I can't wait to get soaked."

We walked over to where the running water sound was coming from, and sure enough it was a fountain with a shallow basin. Cheshire dived in and got right underneath the waterflow to rinse himself off. Pity I had not thought to take some soap in Gnome Village when it was handy. After Cheshire got out, we both noticed a sign obscured by the mist from the fountain and the heavy shroud of smoke that hung over the square. A list of rules of etiquette for Pale Realm.

PALE REALM ETIQUETTE

No masturbation in public.

No nose picking in public.

No oral sex in public.

Don't throw your used condoms.

Use a bathroom to pee or shit.

Wipe your ass.

Wash your hands after peeing, shitting, or fucking.

Send Humpty Dumpty straight to the Queen if you see him.

I looked straight at Cheshire.

"That last one looks pretty odd to me."

"Not to me. Have you seen the White Queen lately?"

"No, I haven't."

"You'll figure it out."

Cheshire and I continued on our way to the White King's castle. While walking through the large square just before his castle, the White Queen walked by. I couldn't help myself and whispered to Cheshire.

"Did you see the rack on that woman? Good heavens."

"Jealous, Alice?"

"Definitely not. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. She's totally out of proportion. Did you see her face?"

"I've seen her face before."

"It must be a foot long and about three inches wide. I thought I had a pinched face. She looks like she got her face caught in a machine at a halloween mask factory."

"Figure out yet why the White King wants everyone to send Humpty Dumpty straight to the White Queen?"

"Yup. It's obvious. Somebody gotta fuck that ugly bitch so the White King doesn't have to!"

After passing through the double-door entrance to the White King's castle, Cheshire and I had to step over all the copulating couples in the foyer. The heavy fog of smoke from the handrolled cigarettes, however, nearly disappeared the instant we passed through the doors. Cheshire and I passed through another set of double doors and headed for the White King's throne room. Upon entering, we saw that we were just in time for dinner. The White King graciously invited us both to take still empty seats and seemed to be unaware that Cheshire was a cat.

"Don't eat like me, Alice," whispered Cheshire. "Use the silverware."

"Do you think me a savage, Cat?"

"You ate like a Viking in the Card Guard Compound in Wonderland Woods. Remember where you are."

One of the White King's servants took away Cheshire's plate and glass, shoved a bowl of scrambled eggs and shredded fish in front of him, and placed another bowl of milk where the glass would normally be. I was impressed. Nobody blinked at Cheshire standing on his hind legs on the chair with his front paws on the tablecloth. Cheshire looked straight at me, flashed his trademark grin, and shoved his face directly into the bowl whereupon he proceeded to inhale the scrambled eggs and fish. He was finished with his meal before I had taken a single bite. Cheshire shoved the empty bowl aside and pushed the bowl with the milk in it in front of him with a paw. A servant came by and offered me chunks of roasted meat. I nodded yes, and two more servants came by offering chunks of potato and thick, brown gravy. Yes to all.

It was goat meat. Not bad if you're hungry. I plowed into the potatoes and gravy like a starving wild animal. Cheshire poked me and whispered, "Don't eat so fast!" I soon discovered why Cheshire was suddenly concerned about my manners.

"Ah, Alice! You've returned!" said a jovial-looking White King. The air of frayed nerves and desperation that marked him on my previous encounter were gone. Quickly wiping gravy off my lips, I stood up and curtsied for him.

The White King jerked his head back. "Whoa! Maybe three-quarters of you has returned. What happened to the rest?"

"All gone. Stripped away. Lost."

"Somebody stick you in a cage and starve you for two years?" he asked.

"That's actually a very accurate description of what happened. I sure haven't been dieting for two years!"

"You and your traveling companion are welcome to stay here for a week if you so desire. I have two items of yours under lock and key to return to you. The first is your round Shuriken Cards. Those I will return to you right now. Your Eyestaff I will return to you when you leave. It will remain under lock and key until then for security reasons. Follow me."

The White King led Cheshire and me into what might be best described as a giant vault. It was a very large room with thick marble walls and a thick, heavy metal door with the largest built-in lock I had ever seen.

"The Hatter designed that lock. Best in Wonderland." The White King had my Cards weapon sitting in a glass bowl on a shelf. He held the bowl in front of me.

"Go ahead and take them. I absolutely do not want to touch them after seeing what they did to an unwary servant who merely picked them up." I stuffed the Cards into a special pouch inside my right dress pocket and resealed the top of the pocket.

"Interesting material at the top of your dress pockets," said the White King. "You use it as a sealer?"

"Yes," I said. "It's a very coarse material that sticks together when you press two pieces of it together. Very practical. Invented by a Gnome seamstress. Prevents stuff from falling out of my pockets. When you consider some of the acrobatics I do, it's a necessity to prevent me from losing essential items - such as weapons."

I could see my Eyestaff on a higher shelf. It was in a rack with some oversized pistols. I agreed with the White King that it was best to leave it here until I was ready to leave. The rest of the stuff in the vault was not what you might have expected. There was no money in the vault. No gold or silver. No treasures of any kind. The vault was filled with inventions of a very practical kind awaiting mass production. There were a few prototype weapons in the vault. The White King apologized for that. "Pale Realm is now completely free of the Red Chess Piece invaders, but we must remain alert and constantly seek to improve our defenses to keep them out. As far as I know, Pale Realm is the only completely liberated territory in Wonderland. You've seen for yourselves what a happy place this is."

Cheshire chuckled. "Yes, indeed."

"Time to head for bed now," said the White King. "Meet me at the main dining table for breakfast tomorrow morning at six o'clock sharp! The Rook will show you to your room. Place any laundry that you have in the laundry bag in the room and place it just outside your door. A servant will pick it up and have everything back to you by six o'clock. The bag has the number of your room on it, so there's no danger of mix-ups."

"Thank you for your hospitality," I said. I curtsied again. Cheshire stood on his hind feet and bowed. I thought of Puss-In-Boots as he did it. We turned and followed the White Rook to our room.

Two twin beds, a nightstand between the beds, and two small chests of drawers. A laundry bag dangled from a hook on the wall beside both chests of drawers. There was an attached bathroom. Toilet and shower stall. No bath tub. Two sets of towels on the wall racks. All in all, this would have made a very nice hotel room. I did notice that there were no windows in the room. Walls, floor, ceiling, everything was marble except for the door and door handle. The door was heavy wood and the handle was brass. This sure beat the hell out of my cell in the Asylum.

Cheshire peaked into the attached bathroom. "Alice, they even set up a litter box for me." Cheshire was most tickled to get a twin bed with sheets the same as me.

I stripped and stuffed my clothes into the laundry bag which I set just outside the door. When I turned back inside, Cheshire looked me up and down with a surprised look on his not-so-furry face.

"Alice! You've got boobs!"

"What?"

"You're not flat anymore!"

I felt up and down my chest with my hands. "Well, whoop-de-doo! I've got walnuts! Break out the Victorian Secret catalogue!"

"Alice, walnuts are better than nothing! They're more than Keira Knightley has! Her teeth are bigger than her tits!"

I sat naked on the bed squeezing my walnuts.

"Alice, take a shower. You reek."

End of Chapter 10

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: "Let's Play Nancy Drew!"

I awoke all fuzzy-headed and dizzy. Almost pitch black except for a soft glow coming from around a corner. I lit a match. Back in the Asylum. Damn. I reached my hand up my nightgown. Holy crap! I had walnuts! I considered just lying there and squeezing my newly-arrived tiny little tits, but curiosity got the best of me. A note under my door.

"Alice. The idiot twins raped Mary Jo on the first floor about 11:00 PM. They're sleeping it off. Now's a good time to go skulking in the night. Search for evidence of bribe taking. Use your key."

The note had to be from Nurse Dot. Nobody else knew about my key being identical to the administrator's office key. Poor Mary Jo. Newly arrived, plump, busty, and healthy-looking, she must have made an inviting target for the twin orderlies. I unlocked my door as quietly as I could cursing all the while the amount of noise the metal doors and locks made. Nobody was in the hallway. I peered around the corner to the right away from the administrator's office. No one. I peered around the corner to the left of my cell. No one. The path was clear to the administrator's office. I rued the fact that I did not have any type of gloves to cover my fingertips. I knew that I would be leaving fingerprints everywhere. I shoved my key into the lock of the administrator's office, turned it, and pulled the door slightly open with it, trying to avoid touching the metal door. Inside, I pulled the door shut by placing the key in the keyhole and pulling. Success! I had avoided touching the door. I looked around for a piece of cloth to cover my fingertips. A doily on a sofa armrest looked better than nothing.

To the administrator's desk. Nothing interesting on top of the desk. The administrator was tidy and organized it seemed. I picked up his "in" box and rifled through it using the doily to avoid touching anything. Not easy at all. I fanned the documents across his desk. Nothing useful. I opened the top drawer. All invoices. I needed the accounting book. Second drawer. Patient records. I resisted the temptation to rifle through my own records. Needed to stay focused on the objective. Bottom drawer. Jackpot. A big thick book titled "Journal," a big thick book entitled "Accounts Payable," and a big thick book entitled "Balances." The big book titled "Balances" had five sections: assets, liabilities, income, expenses, and capital. Traditional double-entry bookkeeping of the type my father had used for managing the Christ Church University in Oxford.

The "Balances" volume looked the most promising for finding evidence of bribery. It didn't take me long to find what I was looking for. In the expenses section, I found the food purchases. According to entries, the Asylum was purchasing rice, beans, dry pasta, fish, pork, fresh fruit, and a few other kitchen basics such as salt, pepper, butter, lard, and olive oil. If we had also gotten the fresh vegetables from the gardens that we worked, I dare say we would have all been a downright chubby-looking lot. I went back to the top drawer with the invoices. There I found fake invoices for food purchases that were never made. All the fake invoices were from the company "Institutional Food Supplies." I suspected that the company did not exist.

I wondered what the penalty was for stealing from the government. Probably nothing if the case went through the courts. Nineteen and I was already cynical. Sure didn't take long for me. Starvation for someone else's enrichment has a way of doing that. I grabbed a piece of scrap paper from the trash can and wrote down the name of the fake food supply company on the invoices. I also scribbled down the amounts of the fake purchases.

Mission accomplished, I put everything back in its place, replaced the doily on the sofa, and exited, pulling the door shut with the key. I gritted my teeth when I turned the key in the lock. I dashed back to my cell, locked it from the inside, and sat down to pant a bit. And feel my "walnuts." Damn it was cool not to be flat as a wooden plank anymore. I gave myself a little "self-stimulation" also. So much easier to sleep afterwards. I wonder if Nancy Drew ever diddled herself to sleep.

End of Chapter 11

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: "The Good King"

The antique-looking alarm clock on the nightstand went off at exactly 5:30 AM as I had set it. I was actually a bit surprised that it worked. I rolled over, sat on the edge of the bed, and whispered rather loudly to Cheshire.

"Hey, Cat! You awake?"

"Yes, Alice. I heard the alarm. I'm not dead."

"Time to get ready. We're supposed to meet the White King for breakfast at six o'clock."

"I don't have anything I need to do to get ready. That's the good thing about being a cat. We just roll over and we're ready to go."

"The other good thing about being a cat is not having to work for a living," I said. I wondered if Cheshire would protest, but he just grinned. Cats really are smarter than human beings. They don't work.

I opened up my door and reached for my laundry. It was right there. Fresh clean dress, bra, panties, and socks. I must have stunk like an old goat yesterday. Cheshire watched me get dressed.

"Alice, you're starting to look better. Don't look like a walking cadaver, anymore."

"Thanks, Cat. That was so complimentary. Every girl needs to know that's she not quite as ugly as she used to be."

"You're not ugly, Alice. You never were. Being a bag of bones sure took you down a few notches, though."

"I'll thank you not to make any remarks while I stuff my face at breakfast. I'm starving."

"Literally, you were. Making up for missed meals?"

"My body is nagging me constantly. 'Eat! Eat! Eat!' it says."

"You're not the only one," said Cheshire. "I agree not to make any remarks about you at breakfast if you also hold your tongue about me sticking my face in the bowl and inhaling everything in five seconds. That's what cats do, Alice."

"No, Cat. What housecats do is sniff twice, look up as if to say 'This is not acceptable,' and then walk away."

"I'm not some spoilt-rotten housecat, Alice. Hunger has a way of making you willing to eat anything. Except a hamster."

I nearly choked when Cheshire mentioned that a hamster was one thing he wouldn't eat.

"Let's go, Cat. Breakfast awaits."

The White King had saved two seats right across the table from him for Cheshire and me. He greeted Cheshire and me and then asked us a few questions to see how much we knew about the new Pale Realm.

"Did you notice anything different about the morning from the evening in Pale Realm, Alice?"

"Yes, I noticed that the squares were not full of people smoking Wonderland Weed and having sex. The squares actually looked rather empty."

"Everyone who lives in Pale Realm works four hours a day. The morning shift is from seven to eleven. The afternoon shift is from one to five. The evening shift is from six to ten. The night shift is from one o'clock in the morning to five o'clock in the morning. The laundry crew works the night shift, for example. Most people work in agriculture or in small-scale factories. In return for four hours of work five days a week, everything in Pale Realm is free. Everyone essentially works for their fellow residents. Because everyone knows nearly everyone else, it's possible for this system to work. I don't think this system would work in a larger place where people didn't know each other."

The White King paused for a moment. Cheshire and I looked at each other thinking the same thing. Pale Realm sounded an awful lot like the Paris Commune.

"Technically, I own all the land and factories in Pale Realm, but I don't take a cut of the production. I guess you could say that the Crown holds all property in common for the people. I do take responsibility for maintenance. Sometimes we need to trade for a replacement part with Hatter. He's the one who built all of our assembly lines. Hatter gets power for his Castle from Pale Realm. All of our water wheels produce electricity. Pale Realm is the only place in Wonderland that generates electricity. Outside of Pale Realm, Hatter's Castle is the only place that has electricity. He consumes quite a lot of it in that laboratory of his. Quite the Edison, he is."

"This place sounds like Paradise compared to the rest of Wonderland," I said. "No worries about where to live or what to eat. No Card Guards stomping around and ransacking homes. No tyrannical rules imposed by brute force. Putting those chastity belts on the Gnome women and those chastity boxes on Gnome men was sheer insanity."

"We heard about you slaughtering the Card Guard compound in Wonderland Woods to get keys to unlock Gnomes from those chastity belts and chastity boxes."

I turned pale, I'm sure, from embarrassment.

"Most ingenious use of those mushrooms. Nobody ever thought of using them as a weapon before."

I wanted to crawl underneath the breakfast table.

"Glad you decided to return completely to normal. Disproportionate female bodies are not especially attractive. I'm sure you've seen the White Queen. She was once a pawn. She has looked that way ever since she queened. I can barely stand to look at her. She was an attractive young woman before she queened. It breaks my heart to see what queening has done to her."

"So you pay Humpty Dumpty to service her?"

"Yes, I feel a bit of embarrassment about being so shallow, but I truly cannot stand to look at that face. She looks like John Kerry. Or Droopy Dog. Take your pick."

"You don't like her chest, either, I presume since you mentioned her being disproportionate."

"Yes, breasts that large on a woman that tall and that thin look just absurd. She didn't get those from mushrooms. If she had, a little bit of light orange mushroom would be the cure."

"It was obvious she didn't get those breasts from the orange mushrooms. Mushroom breasts sort of float. Those things definitely don't float."

"They look like clock pendulums to me," said the White King.

"What is your feminine ideal?" asked Cheshire.

"Cheshire! That's not something you ask!" I said.

"It's okay," said the White King. "Cheshire has always been quite direct. He already knows what I like." The White King did not elaborate.

Cheshire had already finished his second helping of scrambled eggs and fried liver pieces. I was busy polishing off a fourth serving of scrambled eggs and fried potatoes. The White King had noticed.

"Healthy appetite, you've got."

"I believe in eating while I have the chance. After Cheshire and I leave here, we might not get much for the rest of our journey. I'm sure you've noticed that there's quite a bit less of me than there was the last time I came through here."

"Yes, I noticed. I wasn't going to say anything. I assumed that you had suffered hard times."

"That's putting it mildly."

"I shall ask no more. No need recounting unpleasant memories."

Cheshire and I took our leave and exited the castle. As we crossed the main square in front of the castle, we encountered my Gnome seamstress doing the cowgirl on top of a White Knight. I couldn't resist the temptation and began to sing.

"What's a Gnome girl like you doing on a knight like this?

On a thing like that?

Should have been careful where you sat!"

"Why don't you settle down, get married?

Raise a family in a house with a white picket fence?

With kids and a little puppy?"

"What's a Gnome girl like you doing on a knight like this?

Get up right now and change your ways!

You can't have your cake and eat it, too!"

"What's a Gnome girl like you doing on a knight like this?"

My Gnome seamstress gave me a funny look and continued to "ride" her bronco.

"Go away!" she said. "I'm busy!"

Cheshire continued to stare. I motioned to him to come along.

"Your seamstress actually looked attractive," said Cheshire. "I don't think I've ever seen a Gnome woman with makeup on before."

"That's what makeup is for, Cheshire. To make women look more attractive."

"Why don't you ever wear it?"

"I never felt the need for it. When I was heavier, I had a natural rosy blush in the cheeks. I sure don't have that now. I'm curious, Cat. What is the White King's feminine ideal? He said that you already know."

"On your previous trip through Wonderland, he said that you were about as perfect as women come. He said you had the right amount of everything: not too much and definitely not too little. He emphasized that part about not too little."

I had to spend a moment thinking about this. Just a moment. An important realization came to me.

"No wonder he got such a kick out watching me stuff my face. Cat, I do believe that we need to leave Pale Realm tomorrow morning. We'll say our good-byes and be off to Hatter's Castle."

"Any reason for this sudden desire to depart before our week of welcome is up?"

"I think if I stick around the entire week, the White King will ask me to stay and be his Queen. Not happening. I'm not the settling down type. I'm also not willing to let anybody put a White Queen's crown on my head. Look at what happened to that Pawn that queened! No, no. Not me! I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking like John Kerry!"

"A wise decision. I was wondering how long it would take you to realize this."

Cheshire and I spent the rest of the day wandering around Pale Realm and enjoying the sights. Architecture, paintings, statues and sculptures, it was all quite lovely. By the time evening came and the light had subsided, the pall of Wonderland Weed hung over the entire kingdom, and copulating couples everywhere made it difficult to walk. Cheshire and I went back to our room. I took advantage of the oportunity to take another shower and set my clothes out again to be laundered. After breakfast the next day, I had my Jabberwock Eyestaff, and Cheshire and I set off for Hatter's Castle. And the Big Fuckin' Boob Gun.

End of Chapter 12

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights. The song "What's a Nice Girl Like You Doing on a Knight Like This?" is taken from Bill Osco's "Alice in Wonderland."


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: "A Mad Tea Party"

"Look, Cat! There's a signpost up ahead!"

"Straight ahead to the 'Crazy Inventor' and back the way we came to 'Evil Commies' which I presume means Pale Realm."

"Why are the enlightened ones always despised?"

"They don't give the disaffected someone to look down upon. It's a lot harder to actually do something about problems than just target scapegoats."

"Are we scapegoats, Cheshire?"

"Pffffffffffffttttttt! Alice, we're terrorists. We oppose the Red Queen. We're the worst in Wonderland."

"So who are the scapegoats in Wonderland?"

"Isn't it obvious? Those poor wretches whom we liberated from those lockboxes and chastity belts. The Red Queen has obviously decided that there are too many Gnomes in Wonderland. She was probably ranting and raving about them breeding like bunnies."

"Why is the Hatter considered 'crazy'?"

"You're just full of questions, today, aren't you? Hatter is considered crazy because he invents for the joy of creation instead of profit. The Red Queen does not understand the immaterial aspects of life. The accumulation of wealth and property is all she understands. She does not understand the concept of 'enough' either."

"Is that Hatter's Castle I see up ahead, Cat?"

"I believe it is. It's too colorful to be anyone else's."

"This approach sure beats the hell out of having the floor collapse underneath me in Hatter's Funhouse."

"I don't believe you'd survive such a fall this time, Alice."

"And just why not?"

"Not nearly as much flesh on the backside to land on. You literally bounced the previous time."

I reached around behind and tried to find something to pinch. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I thought about Hatter's hard wooden chairs.

"Cat, I'm going to be in pain sitting on Hatter's wooden chairs this time, aren't I?"

"I believe so, but you'll get through it just like you get through everything else."

Cheshire and I continued walking in silence. The landscape on the approach to Hatter's Castle was rather colorful. Not as green and colorful as the Vale of Tears with all its flowers and exotic plants, but close. Unique to the area around Hatter's Castle were black orchids. I had heard rumors that they were poisonous and decided not to touch or sniff them. They were spectacular to look at, though. About three feet tall. About as tall as the average Gnome woman.

Cheshire and I walked up to a moat around Hatter's Castle. This was new. I wondered what was to prevent us from just swimming across to the other side of the bank.

"Don't even think of diving in," said Cheshire.

"And why not, Cat? It looks like an easy way to get across."

"Ever hear of Candiru fish?"

"And what is that?"

"It's a very tiny fish that will swim up the genitals of men and women. Want a fish up your puss?"

"You've got to be kidding."

"They're parasitic catfish that are also known as vampire fish for an obvious reason. Hatter has them in his moat. I am not about to jump in."

I looked around and saw a sign with a picture of a fish jumping out of the moat into a man's peeing pecker. Yup, that oughta work. I looked in the opposite direction and saw more signs with the same picture. The signs were all around the moat. True or not, the signs would sure discourage any rational person from diving into the water.

"So what do we do now?"

"We wait for Hatter to notice that he has guests. He'll recognize me instantly. You he might have trouble recognizing. You're not the baby-faced cutie that he remembers."

"I'm an uncutie?"

"Yup."

While we were occupied, the drawbridge was slowly dropping. Cheshire poked me.

"Looks like our invitation has arrived."

Hatter showed up across the bridge and raced to meet us.

"Come in! Come in, my dears! You're just in time for the Annual Mad Tea Party when I invite American politicians from the future to come to tea with me!"

"You've got a time machine?" I stared at Hatter incredulously.

"Well, it's not really a machine. It's Caterpillar. He figured out how to create portals which open into the past and future. He's been dropping portals beneath the feet of American presidential candidates of the future. Come my dears and meet our American guests!"

"It doesn't sound like you actually invite them. You just snatch them."

"I invite them to Tea after Caterpillar snatches them. One look at Caterpillar and they agree to anything."

I looked at Cheshire and he looked back. This sure caught both of us by surprise. Hatter prattled on.

"Oh you should have been here last year! Last year we had guests from the American presidential election of 2008. Barack Obama was here. Every time he uttered bullshit his nose grew. His nose grew so long that it stretched all the way to the moat and dropped in. Those Candiru fish swam up his nose and ate his brains. No wonder his presidency was such a disaster!"

"How do you know that his presidency was a disaster?"

"Why, I read 'The Times' front page in some of Caterpillar's portals. He's quite expert at filling an entire portal with just the front page of a newspaper. With each passing year, Barack Obama just got worse and worse. His rhetoric and his actions were quite the opposite. Oh, yes! He could wax poetic about his desire to help the poor and then turn around and make a disastrous deal with opposing politicians. All those poor American saps who believed his hot air about 'Hope and Change.' Did they ever get shafted! Of course, what can you expect from a man who fed his brains to fish?"

"Who are your guests this year?" I asked.

"We've got Hillary Clinton, Scottie Walker, and Marco Rubio."

"Never heard of any of them."

"Well, of course. They're from the far future. They're also Americans."

"I don't care about any of this, you know. We've got enough problems here in Wonderland without you going looking for other problems."

"The Americans of the future have such problems that they make Wonderland look good by comparison."

I sighed. "Let's go meet your guests." Since they were politicians, I just assumed they'd all be idiots. Still, I was not prepared for idiots like these. No, no. These American politicians from the future were such astounding imbeciles that I was amazed that their brains instructed their noses to inhale.

There were five guests at Hatter's Tea Table. I recognized the first two instantly.

"I know you! You're the Dormouse!"

The Dormouse exploded. "I am not a mouse! My name is Scott Walker! I am not a mouse! I am not a mouse! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

"Yeah, whatever, Dormouse," I said.

"And I know you, too!" I said. "You're the March Hare!"

The March Hare was guzzling glass after glass of iced tea. He was one thirsty hare! He looked up at me with iced tea drizzling off his chin.

"I am not the March Hare! I'm Marco Rubio and I'm a candidate for President of the United States!"

The March Hare poured more iced tea down his gullet getting only about half of it actually down his throat. The rest was on his chin, shirt, and suit. This guy wanted to be President of the United States? He couldn't even find his mouth without a mirror.

There was an older woman sitting at the table elegantly coiffed and wearing a business-like pants suit. I looked at Hatter and whispered.

"Didn't I kill the Duchess on my last trip through?"

"That's not the Duchess," Hatter replied.

"Sure looks like her. Her face is a bit rounder, but I swear that's the Duchess!"

"Nobody has ever mistaken me for the Duchess of Cambridge before!" said the woman.

"That's Hillary Clinton. She's a candidate for President of the United States. Those two guys are Republican candidates. They have to compete against each other in a primary election. Mrs. Clinton doesn't seem to have any opponents yet."

Hillary Clinton began a spiel about the need to support the hard-pressed American middle class with more and better jobs. Then she began to explain how more free trade treaties would improve opportunities for the middle class. Her head started to spin.

Hatter looked at me and explained. "That happens every time Mrs. Clinton opens her mouth. She starts mouthing pseudo-populist left-of-center rhetoric about the need to support the middle class and then proposes right-wing policies that are certain to make matters worse. Thus her head spins. You can't talk left and right at the same time. Your head will spin right off."

Mrs. Clinton kept yapping about the middle class and her head just kept spinning faster and faster. A few sentences later her head popped clean off and rose up into the air higher and higher and higher. Damn that thing could spin! Hatter and Cheshire came over to my side and began to sing.

Would you like to ride in my Hillary balloon?

Would you like to ride in my Hillary balloon?

We could float among the stars together, Hill and I

For we can fly we can fly

Up, up and away

My beautiful, my Hillary balloon

The world's a nicer place in my Hillary balloon

It wears a nicer face in my Hillary balloon

We can sing a song and sail along the silver sky

For bullshit flies, it really flies

Up, up and away

Hillary's head stopped spinning and came crashing back to earth. Right through Hatter's Tea Party table. Great big hole in the middle of the table. Cheshire looked at me with an enormous grin under his mass of whiskers.

"Oh dear!" he said. "Hillary has fallen and she can't get up!"

I looked at the twins at the end of the table. Two decaying farts in Charlie Brown shirts. I looked at Hatter again.

"Didn't I kill the Tweedle twins the last time through?"

"Those aren't the Tweedle twins," whispered Hatter. "They're Charles and David Koch. They bicker constantly, and they completely own the Republican Party."

The Dormouse and the March Hare began bickering with each other as they vied for the attention of the twins. Meanwhile the twins were bickering with each other over the best candidate to carry the banner for pure laissez-faire capitalism. I looked straight at them as they bickered and tried to start a conversation.

"So which one of you guys in the Charlie Brown shirts is Tweedledum and which one is Tweedledee?" Yes, I knew that I was being obnoxious. The two rich guys stopped bickering and surprised me with a reply.

"We're the Koch brothers and we own everything. We own own almost all of the politicians, the Supreme Court, many state governments, so many businesses we don't know the number, numerous think tanks, and we've considered purchasing newspapers. They're isn't anything we don't have our fingers in."

"You sound like assholes to me."

"Assholes with money. Lots and lots and lots of money." The taller one stood up and stuck his nose in the air.

"Fuck you!" I said to the Koch brother standing up. Hatter looked horrified and realized that his pleasant little tea party was going to hell.

"Very well! As you wish!" said the Koch brother standing up. He unzipped his pants and whipped out his dispenser.

"You may suck it!" he announced haughtily.

"I don't suck," I announced, twirling my Vorpal Blade in the air on my fingertip.

The Dormouse and the March Hare, on the other hand, had come to blows for the privilege of sucking a Koch brother. The other Koch brother, the shorter one, stood up and unzipped his pants.

"Now boys, boys! There's enough for everyone! No need to fight!"

The Dormouse, AKA Scottie Walker, latched on to a Koch dispenser and began sucking mightily. The March Hare, AKA Marco Rubio, latched on to the other Koch dispenser.

"So thirsty!" announced the March Hare. "So, so thirsty!"

"Look at those two piglets go!" whispered an astonished Hatter to me. "Like lost souls in a desert!"

I looked at Hatter shaking my head. "This is the stupidest tea party I've ever been to!"

End of Chapter 13

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights. "Up, Up, and Away" was written by Jimmy L. Webb. "You may suck it!" scene is an homage to Bill Osco's Alice in Wonderland.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14: "Speed of Lightning, Roar of Thunder"

"Please get rid of these idiots, Hatter! Send them all back to where they came from!"

"As you wish, my dear." Hatter detached the two piglets from their dispensaries and herded the entire crowd back to Caterpillar to deport them back their own times.

The deed done, Hatter came back and offered to introduce me to guests of that same time that might be more to my taste.

"Anyone would be preferable to that clown parade you just had in here!"

Hatter speeded off to Caterpillar for a few more kidnappings. I wondered why Hatter couldn't just round up his own guests in Wonderland. Then it hit me that either the two Queens or I had killed just about everybody but the Gnomes and the Card Guards. Rounding up a tea party in Wonderland was mission impossible, unless you wanted a room full of Gnomes who had no taste for tea.

Hatter came back with a fat, sloppy dude in a baseball cap, a cartoonist, and a woman in a dog suit with a cape. The fat dude and the cartoonist were trying to get the woman to run for President of the U.S. in 2016.

"Still more presidential candidates, Hatter?" I asked.

"Just one, this time. The woman in the dog suit."

I leaned across the table and eyed the woman in the dog suit. A blond aged professor type who looked quite well-preserved. Rather attractive, really, if a man was not insistent on young, nubile jiggly types.

"What's with the dog suit?"

"People keep pestering me to run for President. They think I'm some kind of savior. The U.S. political system is so dysfunctional that I wouldn't be able to accomplish anything if I did get elected. Look what the Republicans did to Obama during his term."

"This is Victorian England in 1871. I have no knowledge of the U.S. political system during your time."

"It hasn't changed a bit since your time. It was dysfunctional in your time and it's still dysfunctional in my time. I don't think there's any hope of changing it."

"Then why are you in politics?"

"I was pushed in."

The fat dude and the cartoonist began pleading with the woman in the dog suit to run for President. I looked at Hatter.

"Introductions, please?"

Hatter obliged me. The woman in the dog suit was Elizabeth Warren, a U.S. Senator and populist crusader who said aloud what no one else dared to. She had no fear of offending the "money people" who controlled so much of what went on in the U.S. government. The fat dude was Michael Moore who was a leading documentarian of the period who had the gift of being funny merely by opening his mouth. When he wasn't shoving food into it. The cartoonist was Garry Trudeau who was known for the quasi-editorial comic strip Doonesbury. Mr. Moore got down on his knees in front of Mrs. Warren and began to beg.

"Please Mrs. Warren! You have to run! If you don't, we'll get Hillary and that will be another four years of Obama! Maybe even worse."

Mr. Moore and Mr. Trudeau wrapped arms around each other's necks and began to sing:

Awooo, awooo, awooo, awooo, awooo, awooo

When criminals in this world appear

and break the laws that they should fear

and frighten all who see or hear

the cry goes up both far and near

for Underdog! Underdog! Underdog! Underdog!

Speed of lightning, roar of thunder

fighting all who rob or plunder

Underdog. Underdog!

when in this world the headlines read

of those whose hearts are filled with greed

who rob and steal from those who need

to right this wrong with blinding speed

goes Underdog! Underdog! Underdog! Underdog!

speed of lightning, roar of thunder

fighting all who rob or plunder

Underdog. Underdog!

Mrs. Warren winced. "Hey, Caterpillar! I know you're watching! Could I please have back my regular clothes?" Right before my eyes a hazy distortion turned Mrs. Warren's dog suit and cape into a classic lady professor's pants suit. I blinked. I wondered if I had really seen that. Was Hatter's iced tea spiked? "Thank you!" shouted Mrs. Warren to the out-of-sight Caterpillar. She seemed not the least disturbed at what had just happened. Mrs. Warren turned to Mr. Moore and the cartoonist.

"As long as the U.S. House of Representatives remains gerrymandered in favor of the Republicans and unrepresentative of the actual wishes of the voters, running for President is a fool's errand. As long as a minority of 40 Republican Senators can completely gum up a Democratic administration that controls all three branches of government, running for President is a fool's errand. As long as the Citizens United decision in the Supreme Court allows unlimited corporate speech, running for President is a fool's errand. My function in the Senate is primarily educational. I bring up the issues that everyone else is afraid to address for fear of losing campaign funding. Filibuster reform has to be the top priority in the Senate. As long as the Senate remains an undemocratic body that requires a 60% majority to get anything done, positive change in the U.S. in anything other than the most tiny increments will remain impossible."

Mrs. Warren gave a long sigh. Mr. Moore and Mr. Trudeau looked at each other and nodded. It was obvious that they understood that Mrs. Warren was right. I, of course, had little idea what their discussion was really about, but I could read their faces. The disappointment and fatalism was obvious.

"Send me home, Caterpillar!" shouted Mrs. Warren. A portal appeared beside the chairs of each of the three Americans from the future. Mr. Moore nodded to Hatter.

"Thank you for your hospitality and a most interesting experience!" Moore laughed. "Nobody at home is going to believe this!" Moore stepped into his portal first. Then Mrs. Warren and Mr. Trudeau followed.

I looked at Hatter. "Don't you have some new weapons to show me?"

End of Chapter 14

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights. The Underdog theme was written by W. Watts Biggers, Chet Stover, Joe Harris, and Treadwell Covington.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15: "Alice Gets a Big Fuckin' Gun"

Hatter led me into his laboratory, and I stared awestruck at all the equipment on worktables lining the walls. Along one wall was all of his chemistry experiments with flasks, bottles of chemicals, Bunsen Burners, mixing equipment, and storage jars. Along another wall appeared to be experiments with robotics. All sorts of mechanical equipment, gears, levers, wheels, valves, and pumps littered the tables. Along the third wall appeared to be some sort of weapons fabrication workshop. All sorts of partially completed guns and melee weapons filled the tables. There was also a metal forge of the type you saw in blacksmith shops. I had the feeling that Hatter had more brain cells in his eyebrows than I had in my entire head.

"Come, my dear! Here it is! My autoinjector dart gun! It has six chambers in a revolving cylinder and is loaded with six autoinjecting syringes which can be filled with any poison you choose."

"How about dark orange mushroom extract?"

Hatter looked at me astonished. "Alice, this is a weapon to be used against enemies! Not something to be used for vanity!"

"Right!" I said. "Dark orange mushroom extract in a large enough quantity would completely immobilize an enemy. Right?"

Hatter looked thoughtful for a moment and began to chuckle. "Alice, my dear, you are an evil genius!" He began to cackle as, no doubt, images of the Red Queen and Queen of Hearts completely immobilized by enormous, gargantuan, field-filling mammaries bounced and wobbled in his head.

"We could turn the Queen of Hearts into a trampoline!" he cackled. He turned serious for a moment.

"If I gave you an autoinjector dart gun with dark orange mushroom extract filled syringes, I would feel compelled to give you the usual warning given to Spade Card Guards," said Hatter.

"And what is that?" I asked.

"Don't shoot yourself in the foot! Or the ass!"

I looked over my shoulder at my backside.

"I'd have to aim mighty carefully to hit my backside."

Hatter erupted into guffaws. "You sure ain't the lush, jiggly sexpot I remember from the past! But that's okay. All that extra flesh, I'm sure, weighed you down a bit in combat."

"I don't really remember it getting in the way except for a few occasions when I had to shove my boobs out of the way. My butt saved my life quite a few times when I fell or was knocked off of a high platform. I practically bounced. You think I could bounce on this thing?" I waved my scrawny arse in Hatter's face. I didn't have one thing on my body that jiggled.

"No, dear. You couldn't possibly bounce on that!" Hatter chuckled again. "Come, my dear, I have another possible weapon for you to use. Behold my newest invention! The Vibrator Muscle Exerciser!"

I stared at the device. "Is that a dildo?"

"No! No! No!" exclaimed Hatter. "This device will, when used, give you about thirty seconds of greatly enhanced strength in the thigh muscles!"

"And what would I do with that?"

Hatter held up a thin, wooden shell. "Imagine that this is a Card Guard's head." Hatter placed the thin, wooden shell between his thighs and squeezed them together. The shell cracked. "Any questions?" asked Hatter.

I suddenly realized what I could do with the Vibrator Muscle Exerciser. I could jump from one Card Guard neck to another cracking one head open after another. There was just one problem.

"Ummmm... Hatter? Wouldn't I have to literally stick my puss in a Card Guard's face to crack his skull?"

"So the Card Guard dies happy! What's the problem, my dear?"

I realized that discussing this with Hatter would be completely useless. I resolved to gracefully accept the weapon and work out the sordid details later. Hatter had one last weapon for me.

"For lack of a better term, I call it 'The Bitch Pill.' Remember rage potion? This is rage potion in convenient, portable, pill form!"

"Wonderful!" I thought. "Just what I need!" I thought. What woman doesn't need menstrual cramps in convenient pill form?

"I have one last item for you," said Hatter. "You'll need something to carry all your weapons in. I have a sort of backpack for you to carry them in. It's actually smaller and lighter than a backpack, but it has enough space to carry the Autoinjector Dart Gun, the Vibrator Muscle Exerciser, and maybe a few other items a bit large for your apron pockets. I'll also create a light orange mushroom extract antidote autoinjector for you in case you do accidentally shoot yourself with your dart gun. It will take a bit of time to get everything ready for you. I'll have it all for you tomorrow morning."

With that, Hatter led me off to my guest room, stomach growling furiously. Hatter was oblivious. Did he really live off of nothing but tea? Next morning he had all of my loot ready for me just as promised. After I picked it up, he took me down a corridor I hadn't been down yet. A delicious odor tickled my nose.

"Cake! Hatter, I smell cake!"

"Yes, dear. My pastry shop."

"Cake! I love cake! I gotta have some! Please take me to your bakery!"

"Don't panic, dear!"

"I GOTTA HAVE CAKE! GIMMIE SOME CAKE!"

Hatter led me down the corridor to a room with ornate French double doors. Hatter's pastry shop. Cakes lined the walls. Cake here. Cake there. Cake everywhere. Chocolate cake. Vanilla cake. Carrot cake. Green tea cake. Tea biscuits. Scones. It was fat chick paradise. I grabbed a chocolate cake and shoved my face in.

"Find something you like, dear?"

I turned around, chocolate icing smeared all over my face.

"Good grief, did you inhale that cake all in one bite?"

I swallowed hard. Thunk! I felt a big piece of cake land in my stomach. "Three bites," I said. I grabbed a carrot cake and gobbled it down in three bites as well. "I haven't had anything to eat since Pale Realm!" I grabbed a lemon cake and scarfed it down.

"I always knew you had a keen appetite, but not like this!" said Hatter. "Take whatever you want. I do not want to witness this display of gluttony." Hatter closed the door behind him.

I woke up in my bed in the asylum. Icing and melted chocolate smeared my sheets. Cookie crumbs were embedded in the icing and melted chocolate. Candy wrappers littered the floor. Two large empty boxes with empty candy wrappers lay in the floor. I had polished off one of Reverend Dodgson's care packages in one sitting.

I moved to sit up. I couldn't. I collapsed backward and reached under my dress to rub my stomach. Tight as a bongo drum. I tried to sit up again. Impossible. I collapsed backward. My entire midsection throbbed. If I rolled over on my stomach, I was sure I would puke a river. If I sneezed or hiccupped, I was sure I would puke a river. I lay back and panted just to breathe. An unpleasant realization just hit me.

"Fuck me, I have to pee."

End of Chapter 15

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16: "Useful Information"

The idiot twins came by and peered into my room through the open bars in the top half of the door. I had no idea which twin was which. They were the same height and wore identical clothes. Their voices were the same high-pitched whine.

"She didn't puke! Pay up!"

"Damn! I thought she would have exploded by now!"

The idiot twins sauntered off down the hallway and Nurse Dot appeared in front of my door with a key. The lock turned and she entered.

"Finally woke up from your trance, I see. You've been glassy-eyed all Sunday. You got the care package from the Reverend this morning and you just went into auto-consume mode for the entire day. You just kept shoveling and shoveling and shoveling. You started to look so swelled that I tried to take the box away from you, but you hissed at me like a very large cat. You didn't seem to recognize me at all. I thought it best to keep my distance and just let you continue. Can you sit up?"

"Nope." I swiveled on my back and let my feet dangle over the side of the bed. "Can you help me stand up?"

Nurse Dot came over and pulled me up as I tried to avoid bending my midsection in any way. I waddled into the bathroom and realized that I was going to have to pee standing up - and probably splatter like a man. In my own bathroom. Damn. I lifted the lid, dropped my asylum-issued granny panties to the floor,backed over the pot, and unleashed the torrent. Pity that women don't come equipped with point-and-shoot like men. When I finished and had hitched my granny panties back up with my leg, Nurse Dot came into the bathroom and leaned against the wall. She had some ratty carbon-copied sheets of paper stapled together in her hand.

"What are those?"

"This? Just Twilight fanfiction. I'm done with it if you want it."

I took the sheets and tore the corner with the staple off.

"Now it's toilet paper," I said. I used two sheets to wipe my splatter on the toilet rim. Probably the first time Twilight fanfiction was ever useful for anything. I looked at the floor and heaved a sigh of relief. I had managed to avoid splattering the floor like a man. Nurse Dot had some interesting information for me.

"Our administrator lives completely alone. No housekeeper. Doesn't trust anyone in his house when he's not there."

"Very interesting. And very useful. Does he see anyone outside of work?"

"I don't think so," said Nurse Dot.

"So if he disappeared, it would be days before anyone noticed?"

Nurse Dot put her fingers to her lips. It was obvious that she meant "Yes." I nodded to Nurse Dot and smiled. I waddled back to my bed and dropped on it. It didn't take me long to fall asleep.

End of Chapter 16

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17: "The Wisest in Wonderland"

I woke up in one of Hatter's guest rooms with Cheshire curled up on the foot of the bed. Hatter had my new backpack with my new weapons leaning up against the wall outside next to the room. He had also wrapped up several pieces of cake for me to take with me. I took a quick shower in the bathroom and got dressed. Cheshire took care of business in a litter box that Hatter had politely provided. Cheshire did know how to use a toilet, but it was awkward for him to say the least.

This time taking a meal with Hatter was a normal affair. Scrambled eggs, fried potatoes, bacon, toast, and grape juice that came from Hatter's own vineyards. Hatter led Cheshire and me to a path behind his castle and informed me that it led directly to a corner of the Land of Fire and Ice that I always called "Caterpillar's Plot." It was the place with the Oracle Cave. Hatter thought that I should consult Caterpillar before plotting any attempt at overthrowing the two queens.

Hatter lowered his drawbridge and waved good-bye as Cheshire and I trudged up the slight incline toward Caterpillar's Plot. The path was possibly unique in Wonderland. It snaked through a broad meadow full of flowers, grasses, low shrubs, and a few small, scraggly trees. The path itself was of rough-hewn red bricks. I felt like Dorothy on the way to the Emerald City.

It was quite a few miles to Caterpillar's Plot, and it became clear that Cheshire and I were going to have to sleep out in the open. I chose a grassy spot underneath a tree near the top of a hill which had low cover circling it blocking the view. I had some of the cake that Hatter had wrapped up for me and offered some to Cheshire, but he refused reminding me that cats are carnivores. Cheshire, of course, slept with one eye open whenever I was asleep.

We reached Caterpillar in his Oracle Cave by noon the next day. On my previous trip to Caterpillar's Plot, my encounter with Humpty-Dumpty had caused me to forget completely about visiting Caterpillar before leaving. I was so excited upon hearing about Hatter's new autoinjector dart gun that I headed straight for Hatter's Castle, which required passing through Pale Realm first. It had been awhile since I had seen Caterpillar.

I could see hookah smoke as I approached Caterpillar's cave. I decided to announce my arrival.

"Greetings you smooshy layabout! Alice and Cheshire at your door! Permission to enter?"

Permission was granted. At first sight, Caterpillar looked me up and down in a way that made me a bit uncomfortable. I wondered what he was thinking.

"I had heard from Wonderland's rumor mill that you were a half-starved sack of bones who was incapable of giving Humpty-Dumpty his inspiration back. You look better. It seems Wonderland has been good to you."

Cheshire entered the conversation. "Specifically a Card Guard compound in Wonderland Woods, the White King in Pale Realm, and Hatter's pastry shop. She's been binging her way through Wonderland."

I was a bit embarrassed as they were talking about my body. Caterpillar turned his attention to me.

"Before you get any ideas about attacking the two queens, you will need Humpty Dumpty's services. It would be best if he got his inspiration back and went back to performing his old noble function of sexually servicing the female royals whose husbands gag at the sight of them. Before you get any ideas about charging into Queensland with an undisciplined band of rebels, let Humpty have a try at restoring the balance of Wonderland."

"Humpty's inspiration was my jiggling butt. He forgot what it looked like and I sure am not able to remind him of what he forgot," I said. I turned around and shook my deflated caboose in front of Caterpillar.

"It's not exactly flat back there, Alice. Not anymore."

"What?"

"You're a smaller lass than you used to be, but there's definitely some meat back there. There's some meat in a few other places as well."

I was confused. I reached around and felt my caboose. It wasn't all bone back there anymore. I felt some squish. I poked around on the rest of my body. I had a bit of padding on and around the hips. I placed my hands on my chest. I had more than walnuts up there. Maybe A-cups. I wasn't really a flatsie anymore. Caterpillar watched my reaction.

"You actually seem rather pleased. Most human women would not be so tickled."

I was tickled. I was finally getting my figure back. I touched my face and had to ask.

"Cheshire, how does my face look?"

"You've got cheeks again. You're starting to look like your old self. Your cute babyface looks like it's returning."

My old babyface is what I wanted back more than anything else. Even the cleavage that I had once had. Every time I saw my bony face in a reflection, I cringed. I didn't look like me at all. I thought I was homely. Some women just do not look good with a thin face. I was a real-life Bridget Jones.

Caterpillar gave me a tour of his cave, something he had never done before. He had furnished "rooms" in his cave near the front. He had a dining area. He had one "room" which had a chimney of sorts in the ceiling and had his stove, his cooking equipment, and a pantry. Further back in his cave were mushroom growing areas. He had mushrooms of all types growing back in his cave. One "room" had a spring which slowly dribbled into a shallow pool on a pedestal. The pedestal had a small stream coming from it which went into the mushroom growing areas. Everywhere was lit by candles held in candelabra which were mounted on the walls of the cave. I looked closely at the ornate silver candelabras and saw that they had multiple thick screws going directly into the cave wall. I was surprised that none of the screws looked the slightest bit rusty.

"Would you like to stay awhile, Alice? Rest up a bit before your battles?"

I didn't know it then, but Caterpillar was planning to give Humpty-Dumpty his inspiration back. What can I say? Caterpillar was a fabulous cook.

End of Chapter 17

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Version 2


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18: "All Hail the Whores!"

I woke up in my bed in the Asylum feeling both rested and disoriented. I had no idea what time or day it was. Noise in the hallway told me that it was morning and time for breakfast. Monday? Talk about a lost weekend. I got dressed without showering and scurried off for breakfast. Muttering that I overheard from other tables made it clear to me that another one of the friendless wretches getting only three bowls of porridge a day had died of starvation and had vanished into the maws of the trash incinerator. More ashes for the vegetable garden. This I already knew to be a regular event. Two or three times a year, perhaps. I also sensed the mood was uglier than usual. When I returned to my room to prepare for work in Rutledge's vegetable gardens, I found Nurse Dot waiting for me.

"I've got more information for you. Our dear administrator has no regular contacts outside of work. Practically a hermit. He lives like Ebenezer Scrooge completely alone. If he died, we'd be the only ones who would notice. Some of the residents who are living on those miserable three bowls of porridge a day have jokingly spoken of eating him. Would be a fitting conclusion for a man who enriches himself by starving others to death."

"We don't have to kill him," I whispered. I stepped out my door and looked down the hallway in both directions to see if anyone was around. All clear. I continued whispering in as low a voice as possible. The walls were too thick for my neighbors to hear. "I have a better way. You know those prostitutes down in that cage in the basement? They're not insane. They're quite rational. I went down there one day after the idiot twins had cut out early on work and talked to them. The key to my room also unlocks their cage. All we have to do is unlock their cage on a day when our dear administrator goes down there to leer at the animals. Our ladies of the evening can burst out of their cage and drag him in there for some fun. I wonder how long our dear leader's ticker can hold out while receiving the tender attentions of five professional prostitutes who know how to give a man one boner after another. How many boners do you think he could survive? Wouldn't that be a kick if the doctor had to call for a City of London coroner to verify that Dear Leader died while having sex with multiple prostitutes in an insane asylum? Can you imagine what the newspapers would do with this? The gossip sheets? The scandal rags? What a fitting denouement! Oh the delicious disgrace!"

Nurse Dot smiled at me. "We have a plan. You also have to go to the medical center for your monthly examination. It has now been two months. You still have one more month before your scheduled release." Nurse Dot backed up and looked me over. Then she stepped up and tugged, pushed, and pulled on my size 14 pinafore that I had gotten in a care package from the Reverend.

"That dress is getting close to fitting. I'm quite sure you'll be issued new underthings. I'm sure what you've got is too small." Nurse Dot backed up and looked me over.

"You look nice. Much better than before. Especially your face."

"Do I look pretty again?" Yes, I know. I'm quite vain about my face. When I was a small child, people used to make quite a fuss over how pretty I was. In the asylum, my face literally caved inward on itself. I transformed from a pretty little princess into a gaunt-faced teenager with a nose like an American fashion model.

"Yes, you do." Nurse Dot hadn't hesitated with her answer. She backed up and looked me over again. "You may have already hit your target weight for release. Want me to stop bringing extra meals?"

"Nope. Just keep bringing them. I'll know when to stop. One thing you don't know about me is that I've been through this being prepped for release before. About two and a half years ago, my grandparents found out that I had awakened from my catatonia. They wanted me released. Just as with the Reverend, the administrator panicked and had me stuffed like a goose for three months before I was supposed to be released. Then some busybody city worker decided that my grandparents were too old. My release was cancelled. The asylum had me on three bowls of porridge a day the very next day. My gorgeous, high, prominent C-cup breasts deflated. My 30-inch waist turned into a bomb crater. All my ribs ended up showing. My collarbone ended up sticking out. My rounded, completely smooth 42-inch hips that looked so spectacular in a dress vanished. My hipbones ended up sticking out and my pelvis became visible. I transformed from the voluptuous, rounded, full-cheeked Victorian ideal to a walking cadaver. I miss what I had. I'm ecstatic to finally be getting my face back."

"I didn't know you had been through this being prepped for release before," said Nurse Dot. "I can't imagine how you must have felt to have release snatched away from you at the last moment."

"Visions of chowing down on a certain city worker danced in my head."

"Visions of our Dear Leader croaking in the prostitutes' cage in the basement are dancing in my head."

Nurse Dot and I clasped our hands together and whispered simultaneously, "All hail the whores!" It took a long time for us to stop laughing.

End of Chapter 18

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.


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